meet the family

I know that you all think I'm wonderful and amazing, but I wouldn't be me if it weren't for my family. So I'm going to introduce you.

First, there's my mom. She is incapable of staying up later than 10 pm, unless I happen to be talking about a boy. Whether or not he's a boyfriend is completely insignificant. Just as long as he's male, she's happy. She also has an obsession with both sales and candy, and is particularly fond of candy sales. She pretends to be a health nut by constantly discussing the benefits of omega-3 fatty acids, but we all know better.

Next is my Dad, who thought it would be helpful to ask my mom if she could try to be a little more like his dog. Because Cooper always runs out to meet him when he comes home, and if his dog can do that, certainly his wife can too. Although he has absolutely no problem sleeping through all 3 hours of church, when we're at home, somebody whispering at the other end of the house can keep him awake. He therefore stores an extra mattress in his room that he drags into the bathroom to sleep on while the rest of us are playing Speed Scrabble.

Bethany is the family know-it-all, because she's the oldest child, and that's typically what oldest children are, and every family needs a know-it-all.

Brandon is her husband. He comes from a family that doesn't talk much, and therefore thinks that we are incredibly loud. He also has the unique talent of knowing the times and channels on which he can find every episode of King of the Hill. Brandon is exactly like my dad. He really loves it when we point that out, too. So does Bethany. Really, they do.

Next comes Brother. We call him Brother because he's the only one we have. He has made it his personal mission to eat at every barbecue restaurant in Texas and talk about how his brisket is better than anything you can buy anywhere. Which just might be true.

Brianna is his red-headed wife who spends a good amount of her time making sure he doesn't do anything really stupid. She's doing a pretty good job of it, too.

I'm next. I am the official Keeper of Family Secrets, and everybody's favorite sister. Obviously. I am also the reigning Speed Scrabble Champion.

Ashley's right after me, although she has recently abandoned us to serve a mission. She now spends her days harassing the kind people of Provo, UT and telling the elders exactly what she thinks they should be doing. They do what she says because they're all slightly terrified of her. We've all become very concerned for her lately, because she's starting to believe that her missionary wardrobe is really cute.

Bexar's a newlywed, and therefore spends her time laughing at everything her husband says. When she's not laughing at him, she is either baking for him or picking out names for their future children. In case you can't tell, she's pretty excited about being married.

Shawn is Bexar's husband, who talks more than anyone I've ever met. And when Bexar pretends to be asleep because she's sick of listening to him, he talks to me. Because he knows I'm too nice to tell him to shut up. Shawn pretends to hate it when we call him Shawnbear, but deep down we know he loves it. We let him talk all he wants during our Speed Scrabble games simply because talking slows him down, and he therefore never wins. And in our family, winning really is everything.

Baby's the baby of the family. She is trying her very best to be a teenager, and is doing a pretty bang-up job of it. She spends most of her free time looking at herself in the mirror and talking about how she can't wait to go to college so she can date "real men."

There we are.