Dear Future Boyfriend,

I know we haven't actually met yet, but there are a few things that I'd like to get out in the open ahead of time. I realize that you're counting down the days until we meet, and that you very well may have dreamt of my face and received revelation from the heavens that I am the woman you will someday marry, but if this is the case, I really don't want to hear about it. Please. You need to realize that in relationships, some things are best left unsaid. And that is most definitely one of them. But there are a few other things that I need for you to understand about me if we're going to make this work.

First of all, I really need for you to understand that I just don't dance. Yes, I've tried to enjoy it, and I've tried even harder to be good at it. And no, I assure you that you will not be the man who "teaches" me to love dancing. This deep-rooted hatred for dance goes all the way back to my elementary school days, when I would stick my foot in the doorway and force my sister to slam the door on it repeatedly, in hopes that I might break something and therefore be excused from Square Dance Week in PE. So please, please, please do not think that you can change my mind about this. Every man I have ever gone out with has tried, and all have failed miserably.

It's also important that you realize that my family does actually call me Poodle, and that there's nothing you can do to stop them. This has been going on for over 12 years now, and has progressed to the point where my sister's husband didn't even know my real name is Brittany until after they were married. So don't think you can just swoop in and change their ways, no matter how ridiculous a name you think Poodle is. You will just have to learn to love it.

I'd also really appreciate it if you tried your best not to be an engineer. This means that, the first time I meet you, I'd really prefer to not find you printing out the first 5,000 digits of pi to hang up on your wall. And all jokes that include the line "ohm" my gosh are not funny. They're just not. In addition to this, if someone were to ask you what you do for fun, "working out", "pumping iron", or any variation thereon are not acceptable answers. Even if you do work out for fun, at least have the sense to keep that information to yourself. I understand that this is the response all of your engineering friends give, but that's just the problem. Acceptable alternatives include mountain biking, camping, fishing, or even watching movies. And most importantly, you really need to understand that Stirling, Erickson, Brayton, and Otto are absolutely not acceptable names for our children. I realize that they are all famous enough to have engine cycles named after them, and Thermo was my favorite class, too, but let's be serious here.

Oh, one more thing. If you could just double-check to make sure you really do have brown hair and blue eyes, that'd be fantastic. And just so you know, they sell hair dye and colored contacts, just in case you find out that you're actually a blonde with green eyes. And if you have a mustache, shave it off right this second. This is for your own good. Really, it is.

If you could just keep these things in mind, I think we'll get along just swimmingly. I'm totally looking forward to meeting you.

Sincerely,

Poodle