only the good die young

My mom still thinks I'm getting married this year. Never mind the fact that every time I talk to her I report that, no, I still haven't been on a single date in the past six months and, no, I still have no interest in the same men that I've had no interest in for the last year and a half. She's beginning to think that I'm either just too picky, or am completely incapable of committment. (Which both may very well be true.) But I'm not the problem here. Not really. No, the real problem is that men these days (or at least the ones I've dated) are just way too healthy. Not okay. At all. See, I pinky swore that I would live with my sisters after our husbands die. And, in my family, a pinky swear is even bigger than a triple dog dare. It's solid. Unbreakable. Nothing, not even death (or, in this case, a husband who refuses to die) can get you out of the deal. We have it all worked out. Ashley will be the crazy old woman who everyone thinks is senile, and I'll be the sweet little grandma who feeds cookies and lemonade to all the neighbor kids. And Bex will provide the house. (Because her husband's going to make way more money than ours will, so she'll have plenty of extra room.) So, I really need to live longer than my husband. Really. But nobody I've dated really seems to understand this. It's not that complicated, guys! You die first, I live with my sisters. Easy, right? Wrong.

The last relationship I was in was doomed from the start. I mean, the kid was in great shape, and really tried his best to stay that way. I knew all along we'd never make it, but he was cute and charming, so I thought I'd give him a chance anyway. (I'm nice like that.) But honestly, he insisted on buying whole grain bread. The kind with the little seeds and other bits of nature that serve no purpose other than getting stuck in your teeth and completely ruining the texture of any sandwich. Well, that and lowering his cholesterol. I almost ended it right then, but like I said, he was cute, and really, the guy had a few other redeeming qualities. And I found his one weakness. Chips Deluxe Cookies. He could eat an entire package of them in one sitting. So I bought a box or two every time I went to the store, hoping to ignite the downward spiral into a couch-potato lifestyle. He thought I was just trying to be nice. It was way more than that, though. Way more. I was salvaging our relationship. But he seemed to think everything was just fine. He clearly failed to understand the depth of the problem. So the cookies worked for a while, but the more he ate, the more he exercised. Didn't he know that that was just counteracting any effects that these cookies might have? Apparently not. So the Chips Deluxe campaign was short-lived. (I can't entirely blame him for this, though. It really wasn't the best-laid plan to begin with.) Towards the end, I made one last-ditch effort that resulted in a rather unfortunate kool-aid incident, but which really brought no long-term effects. We finally ended things one sweltry day in late August. I gave it my all, but in the end, it just wasn't meant to be.

So, overall the search has been long and fruitless. I thought Americans were supposed to be lazy and out-of-shape. But where are all these guys? I can't seem to find any of them. It looks like my mom's going to have to settle for one more year with no wedding.