a few good things

• being told that my teaching techniques are "borderline genius." I'm more prone to believe that they are beyond genius, but I'll take the compliment.
• other teachers telling me that they heard their students talking about how much they loved my class
• free laptops
• and long weekends
• and a lot of other stuff
• making fun of Ben mercilessly for showing up to the faculty party wearing the exact same shirt as his fiance. I am so glad they found each other. And so grateful for the hours entertainment found at their expense.
  

guess where i am

No, seriously. I want you to guess.

Fine. I'll tell you. I'm sitting on the floor in my living room typing on my brand-new laptop. Now, you may be wondering how I can afford a brand-new, fingerprint recognition, built-in wireless internet laptop on a teacher's salary. I'll tell you how I can afford it. I didn't pay for it. My school bought it for me, mainly because they love me a lot. And the only thing I have to do in return is use it a lot. I'm pretty sure I can do that.

i have just one question

How exactly does one end up driving west on a road that is not I-10, a road that is, in fact, so far from being I-10 that it has stoplights and pedestrian crosswalks, when one's only job for ten full hours was to drive east on I-10 without getting off?

I'm just not sure.

I think it might have had something to do with the traffic jam. The traffic jam which occupied four of the five lanes of freeway, while the fifth lane was empty due to the fact that it led somewhere that the traffic jam did not. And if everybody wanted so badly to get where the traffic jam was going, badly enough that they would remain in said traffic jam instead of occupying the empty lane, then clearly the empty lane must be leading to nothing but trouble. Kind of like when one pulls up to a toll booth, sees the green light over an empty tollbooth lane, the light which means "this lane is open", but one still pulls into the next lane, the one behind a row of six cars, because clearly there is something wrong with the empty lane.

"Huh. Nobody's going through that one. It must be broken."

And although one saw all six cars pull in right in front of you, and knows perfectly well that they are not receiving a secret message informing them of the demise that will surely come as a result of driving though the empty tollbooth lane, a secret message that you are somehow missing, even though you pulled up at the same time they did, one still avoids the empty tollbooth lane.

"How come nobody's using that one? The light's green. It's open. Idiots. Me, I'm not an idiot. I'm just not in any sort of rush. So, in order to prove that I'm not in a rush, and am so totally laid-back, and so totally selfless as to leave the empty tollbooth lane open to allow other cars to go in front of me, I will sit in this long line behind six other cars and wait patiently. That's how nice I am."

Yes. Yes. I'm pretty sure that's it. One somehow got off of I-10 going east and onto a non-freeway road traveling west because of the traffic jam. Because one, being all the way over in the left lane, the designated "fast" lane, did not want to inconvenience the other traffic jammers by cutting in front of them, even though one would surely wave the "thank you for letting me in" wave, since one obviously is aware of proper driving etiquette, just to make the poor traffic jammers jealous that one got to drive in the empty lane.

That's nice. That's very, very nice.

Dear Subconscious,

Please stop sending first day of school dreams. This is getting old.

I'm not going to forget to plan a lesson. And I'm not going to forget that school starts August 16. And I'm certainly not going to get lost trying to find the classroom.

And everybody knows that kids always behave on the first day. Even if that's the one day of the year that nobody will give me trouble, I promise you they will be nice for at least that first day.

Thanks,
Brittany

Dear Engineering Friends,

Good news. I checked Katie's and Bryan's academic calendars and GUESS WHAT!?! They have the same spring break. So guess where we're going? Atlanta.

We have two options. We can go Friday - Monday (or Tuesday) March 23-27, or Thursday - Sunday, March 29-April 1. I'll let you guys decide.

And while we're in Atlanta, we can visit:

Martin Luther King, Jr. National Historic Site
A two-block area in memory of the famed leader of the Civil Rights movement and winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. Features include the Freedom Hall Complex, Chapel of All Faiths, and King Library.

CENTENNIAL OLYMPIC PARK
This 21-acre urban landscape, the largest urban park to be developed in this country in more than two decades, was the central venue for the 1996 Summer Olympics.

Atlanta Botanical Garden
The Atlanta Botanical Garden is a beautiful exhibit of nature's glory, right in the heart of the city. A walk through the garden is a great stress reliever. There are always special events going on, including unique flowers, summer concerts, romantic jazz nights, and children's activities.

Stone Mountain Park
One of Atlanta's most recognizable tourist attractions, this huge monument to the confederacy covers 25 million square feet and rises 825 feet above the surrounding area, carved with the likeness of three confederate heroes. There is plenty to see and do, including the ever-popular laser show, holiday events, hiking, boating, fishing, and souvenir shopping.

High Museum of Art
American art at the top of the High is well worth a visit. Varied collections, beautifully displayed in stunning building.

or Atlanta's underground

...to name just a few. And we can eat at:

South City Kitchen
The culinary traditions of South Carolina's Lowcountry inspire the cooking at this cheerful restaurant. This is the place to get fried green tomatoes with goat cheese, she-crab soup, or buttermilk

Ray's on the River Seafood House
On the banks of the Chattahoochee River, Ray's on the River draws crowds, particularly for the Sunday brunch.

And then we can head down to Macon for

Cherry Blossom Festival / Local Events
Third week in March featuring the best of Southern traditions and contemporary entertainment. Attractions include hot-air balloons, arts & crafts, parades, daily concerts, dances, and amusement

Neat Museum
We really enjoyed the Music Hall of Fame - it was the first attraction we visited when my man moved to Macon. It was smaller than we expected, but packed with interesting music info about GA artists

or

www.tubmanmuseum.com


and eat

Southern Food with Gourmet Flair
i love the concept. southern food with a gourmet twist. i just felt like i could lounge and take my time. no one was rushing me. and everyone who works there was so great to talk to.

or have a

http://travel.yahoo.com/p-reviews-2980732-prod-travelguide-action-read-ratings_and_reviews-i;_ylt=ArfZDp1.I6QkHgPxywHT21fGQGoL#1
Service and food was excellent. Great pasta and the best steak my husband has ever had. Nice, romantic ambience, tucked away in downtown Macon (almost hidden).

and dessert at Bruster's.

And if we want to continue the outdoorsy/camping tradition, there is plenty of camping to do in the Northern part of the state.

So who's on board?

Dear Mom,

Would you mind sending me that National Geographic article that I was coveting from your house? Thanks. You're the best.

Love, Poodle

PS: Thanks for the outfit.
PPS: And the shoes.

Newlyweds

So last week I was reminded of the time that my brother and I won a deck of cards playing "The Newlyweds Game" at the Provo mall, and how they didn't even make us pretend to be newlyweds. (For which I am eternally grateful, because pretending to be married to your brother is jut plain wrong. Even for a deck of Tommy Hilfiger playing cards.)

And then I remembered that we won mainly because Ryan knew I had a crush on a boy named Aaron, and I knew that he was interested in a girl whose name will not be mentioned because we are all very grateful he did not end up with her. Not that there was anything wrong with her*, per se, but not ending up with her meant that he could end up with Brianna, who is not afraid to tell him what a big fat baby he's being when he tries to blame her when he loses a game of spoons.

But then I remembered that our victory was not so much attributed to the fact that we knew all details of each other's lives, but because the newlyweds all missed the easiest question on the test.

If your wife could go on a date with anyone in the world, who would it be?

Um, Matthew McConaughey? NO? ME?! You'd rather go out with me? Huh. Cause I'd kinda like to go out with Cameron Diaz.

*Okay, so maybe there were a few things wrong with her, the least of which was her fashion sense. But I'm trying to be nice here.

what to read:

The Great Starvation Experiment

I'm pretty sure it just jumped to status of very favorite book of all time. And I don't even like history. I've tried reading them, but about 98.3% of the time, they bore me. This is an exception.

So read it. And if you don't think you can afford it, I'll buy it for you for your next birthday. Or Christmas. Whichever comes first. Because you NEED it. Even more than I need that new Coach handbag that blogger won't let me post.

what to read:

The Great Starvation Experiment


I'm pretty sure this book just jumped to status of all-time favorite book. And I don't even like history books. I've tried reading them, and 98.3% of the time, they bore me.

And if you don't think you can afford it, I'll buy it for you for your next birthday. Or Christmas. Whichever comes first. Because you need it. Even more than I need this:

jealousy

One of my favorite Reed family phrase is "I totally won."

Won what?

It doesn't matter. I just won. The best ex-boyfriend stories contest, the cutest baby contest, the best ice-cream chooser contest, whatever. We love to win.

Is anybody else aware that they're in a competition? No. Does it matter? Absolutely not. Because I won.

And just for the record, I totally won the best blog contest, if for no other reason than that nobody else in my family has a blog. So in typical Reed spirit, they all went out and got themselves blogs so that they could win the newest blog contest, or the bluest blog contest, or whatever competition they secretly have going with the rest of us.

So Ashley wins the most narcissistic contest. She'd really like to thank herself for being so awesome. A definite must-read.
]
The Shade wins the naivete award. So if you'd like to read about a BYU freshman who still believes that a boy who keeps her up until 3:30 am "just talking" is "only a friend" and "just being nice", this is the one for you. It's really very sweet.

And then Mom the Bomb wins the prize for the best dance moves. You should see her shake her groove thing. Whoa.

But I'm still the original. I win. So take that!

yummy

So the other day, my brother in law pulled out a bottle of breast milk that had been tucked away in the back of the fridge. The bottle that was tucked away in the back of the fridge because he had hid it there.

Um, I'm pretty sure Mabel isn't crawling through the fridge trying to steal extra breastmilk.

But no, of course she's not. He was trying to hide it from me.

No matter what angle I approach this situation, it is not flattering to me.

Lake Tahoe

having just returned from a glorious and gorgeous trip to Lake Tahoe, I thought I'd fill you in on the adventures.

What I took with me:

one hair straightener, just in case

a library, mainly because I'm easily distracted on airplanes and require at least 10 books to keep myself entertained

a new hair color, for show-off puposes

ten t-shirts, because i'm never sure which ones I'll actually feel like wearing

What I gained in Tahoe:

the kayak surfing championship, but only after Derek taught me the proper technique. So maybe I'll split the prize with him, 50/50

lots of funny stories

the knowledge that, although almost ALL OF OUR FRIENDS BAILED on us, Katie is very reliable. Thanks, pal.

a blister

three nights with very little sleep

an easy method for making the Chemistry Day T-shirt I've been wanting, stolen from Derek's Skunk shirt

Tahoe's best breakfast, involving vanilla custard strawberry waffles which tasted suspiciously like dessert

zero hot dogs. my one regret. camping without hotdogs should be illegal.

What I brought home:

one free round-trip ticket for anywhere in the continental United States I wish to visit

two sunburn stripes, one down the front of each leg

dirt. and lots of it.

plans for next year's spring break trip to Atlanta

i'm a great mother. and very smart.

So I took Marble* to get her pictures taken at The Picture People today. I decided that I would pretend to be my sister so that they would think that I was Marble's mother, and therefore had the right to take home photos of her. And it just seemed like it would make things easier. Unfortunately, I forgot that sometimes people ask questions, and when you're pretending to be somebody else, it's sometimes hard to come up with answers to said questions. So I walk in, and the questions start.

Super helpful worker girl: So, have you been here before?

Me (as my sister): Yup.

Girl: Okay, great. What's your last name?

Me: Reed

Girl (trying to look me up in the computer): Um, okay... What's your address?

Me: We live on Westheimer. Wait, no we don't. We live on the SH Parkway.

Slightly suspicious and much less eager to be helpful girl: Er, are you sure about that?

Me: Yes. Very sure.

Girl: Alright, what's your phone number?

Slightly embarrassed me: Um, hold on. Let me look it up. It's in my phone.

Girl: You don't know your phone number?

Me: Well, you know, I've never had any reason to call myself, so... And with everybody having cell phones these days, I guess there's just no need?...

Girl: Okay, well I'm not finding it. The name's Reed?

Me (doing a pitiful job of faking my identity): Oh, wait! No, it's not. It's Peterson now. Sorry. I'm still not used to the whole name change thing. I mean, I was a Reed for 26 years, so you know... It's been a hard transition. So... Yeah. The name's Peterson. Sorry.

So I officially can never go undercover for any reason ever again. Which was a sad discovery, because I've always thought it would be really fun to go undercover and act completely different and not be at all embarrassed about it because, surprise, it's not me!

*And no, my family has not joined in the name-your-child-after-inanimate objects trend. Her real name is Mabel. And she is gorgeous.

i'm a sinner

Today during Sunday school, the teacher wrote "Honor" on the board and asked us what our first thought was when we saw the word.

My first thought: "Hey! That's Logan's sister's name on Gilmore Girls!"

Yes, my mind is definitely where it should be.

never again

I am never ever again allowed to step foot inside an Anthropologie. Their clothes are way too cute, and their sales are way too good. Sounds backwards? Yeah, I know.

And did you know that it's too hot to wear clothes in Houston?

okay, i'm finally back

And I made it to Houston in one piece. My trip involved 4 days of delays mainly because the state of Texas is impossibly slow, and a little bit because I failed to register my car when I was supposed to. (Namely, a year ago when the previous registration expired. Oops.) These four days ended in a two-hour trip to the DMV during which I tried my best not to scream when creepy DUI Philip asked me if I had a steady boyfriend in town, and if not, if I would be interested in having dinner with him sometime. He just had to ask. And I just had to say no way. I left with a newly-registered, legal-to-drive car and a brand-new status as an official Georgia Peach. (So said the super nice, not at all scary DMV worker.)

Day one of my trip involevd nine hours of driving, lots of Powerade Option fitness water, and one stop at the Mobile, Alabama IHOP to try out their new stuffed french toast. (Which, by the way, is not french toast at all. It's a donut with fruit on top.) I finally stopped for the night at a somewhat sketchy LaQuinta. And if anybody has ever wondered what it might be like to have somebody who is NOT housekeeping open the door to your hotel room at six o'clock in the morning, let me tell you, it is terrifying. If I were the kind of girl who swears, I totally would have. Instead, I acted like the composed adult that I am and hid under the covers.

So now I'm in Houston, and have spent my days playing lots of Peek-a-boo, a medium amount of making fun of Brandon, and a little bit of making fun of Bethany. I also attended one singles talent show, which involved less talent than America's Next Top Model, and made me realize that just because your mom sometimes tells you you're funny does not make you a stand-up comedian. Or a walk-around comedian. And if the walk-around comedian bit is your opening line, you should probably just go ahead and sit down. Which while a sit-down comedian may not be any more funny than a stand-up or walk-around comedian, it is much less embarrassing for everyone involved.

still stuck in georgia

and not so happy about it.

I pretty much feel like this:


But I think I'm going to buy myself some Marble Slab ice cream. That should cheer me up a bit.

it's over

Today is officially my last day teaching this year. Sad.

And here's a picture one of my students took during physics while she was supposed to be listening:

what to read:

Feed: And not just b/c it rhymes. B/c it'll, like, make u lol. And then it might def. make u cry. Well, it didn't make me cry, but books don't have that effect on me. That would just be like totally mal if they did.

The Mermaid Chair: Very well written, and worth reading, even though the main character annoyed me the entire book. Just so she knows, there is NO EXCUSE to cheat on your husband. Ever. I don't really care if you need to discover your true inner self, and have some hidden depths that have yet to be explored and blah blah blah. It's horomones. And possibly a mid-life crisis. Nothing more. Get over it. But the ending was perfect.

my mom

My mom is like a postage stamp. She sticks to one thing until she gets there.

No, I didn't come up with that on my own. I stole the quote from Josh Billings.

Who's Josh Billings, you ask?

I have no idea, I answer.

not to brag or anything,

actually, that's a lie. the sole purpose of this post is to brag.

Last night, I received the following email from one of my students:

Ms Reed...i just want to tell you that it has been a delight to have been in your chemistry class this year...i really feel that i have actually learned some stuff...but its been really fun...probably my favorite class/ teacher...and sorry i havent really been doing much work lately...but i have just got really lazy and tired of school...but i'm kinda still trying...haha sorta...but anyways i'll see u in class...bye ms reed...:-)

enough said.

happy chemistry day!

6:30. Get home. Take a nap.

8:30. Hear the doorbell ring. Wonder who it is. Go to the door and look out the peephole. Recognize Collin, one of my students. So I open the door.

me: Collin, you have GOT to be kidding me.
Collin: I am not kidding Ms. Reed. Here, take this. He hands me a bag. It's heavy.
Me: What is this?
Collin: It's CapriSuns. For class tomorrow. And a cake. He holds out a bakery box. I look inside and notice that it has "Happy Chemistry Day!" written on it. I jump with exitement. (It was maybe more of a skip, but whatever.)
Me: Oh, my gosh, it says Happy Chemistry Day! That is so great! I'm not even annoyed about being wooken up anymore. Woken up. Whatever. I'm excited.
Collin: Right. I don't have room for this in my fridge, so you'll have to put it in yours. And by the way, where have you been? We have knocked on every door in this building looking for you. We knocked on Mr. Math Teacher's door. We thought you were, like, on a date or something.
Catherine: (With eyebrows raised, waving her hands back and forth.) Yeah, we thought that you two were, like, you know.....
Me: Um, no. He lives underneath me. But that's another story.*
Collin: Okay, so bring the cake to class tomorrow and we'll eat it. To celebrate Chemistry day. Now go back to sleep.

And I'm still so excited that the cake actually says "Happy Chemistry Day" I don't even mind that he's bossing me around.

*The other story: Two months ago, my principal came into my classroom and started making small talk. Which he's not very good at. And then he mentioned that they just hired a young, single male math teacher, who is apparently just SO nice. Really, so nice. And he was so sure that we would get along just great. So would I mind, you know, making him feel welcome? And, by the way, Dr. Principal recommended that he move into my apartment complex. Hooray. So now he lives underneath me.

why, oh, why

Would you ever name your child:

Coco: Do you want her to grow up to be a hooker?

Bambi: see above.

Rainy: anything dealing with weather is just wrong.

Cook: Now, I realize that the term "bun in the oven" is kind of cute (kind of), but that's taking it just one step too far.

Gray: we have at least three at our school. Is that how he makes you feel? Poor, poor child.

Dear Seniors,

Goldfish in the toilets? Seriously? You can come up with a better sernior prank than that.

Much Disappointment,
Ms. Reed

funny stories

My physics students recently turned in a project in which they explained the physics behind a sport of their choice. One student did a track and field manual, and, while explaining the rules of the javelin throw, stated that "the javelin must have at least an 800 gram mass", but accidentally left of the "m" in the word "mass". I'm still laughing about that. So I wrote back "wow, my mass is way bigger than 800 grams." I hope he appreciates my joke.

Then we were learning about heat of vaporization in Chemistry, and I told my students about when I was hiking, and one of the boys in the group took his shirt off, got it wet, and wrapped it around the water bottle. And after a few minutes, the water in the bottle was cool.
Chris: Ms. Reed, you saw a boy without his shirt on.
Me: Yeah, I felt kind of dirty.
Followed by about five minutes of laughter.

And then in physics:
Me: Hey, do you guys want to hear a funny story?
Them: Ooh, yeah!
Me: So, I was reading this book last night, and...
And then they started laughing.
Me: Um, guys, that's not the funny part.
Them: Yes, it is.
Jerks.

And then I read a book called Feed, and the kids in the book remind me SO much of my students. Like the conversation taking place after a couple breaks up:
Her: I never want to see you again!
Him: Yeah? Okay. Then get some special goggles or something!

they learn

My students are finally learning that sometimes, I can be more stubborn than they ever thought imaginable.

Tony: Ms. Reed, I need you to print out a new grade report for me.
Me: You do, huh? Well, I'm pretty sure I gave you one yesterday.
Tony: Yeah, but I turned in a late assignment, so that should have brought my grade up.
Me: You sure did. Good for you.
Tony: Right. So, I need.... Forget it. You're not going to budge. I'm wasting my time.

If only the rest of them would pick up on this.

humiliating

I am officially the weakest person in my physics class. And I'm the teacher. We were talking about the physics principles behind karate chops, so I brought in some boards to break, thinking that I would impress them with my ability to smash a stack of boards with my bare fist. Because this website that I found told me I could. And I trusted it.

My hand hurts. And I couldn't even break one board. But every student in the class who tried was able to break at least one. I think I need to start working out.

count your many blessings

I've been pretty happy with my life these days. In fact, I've been kind of hard-pressed to find anything to complain about at all. I have a job that I love, mainly because it allows me to be the boss of everyone, (even if they are all 16 years old), and my own office (classroom). But the advice guy on the easy listening radio station (who recently replaced Delilah, hallelujah), said that people are the happiest when they make a list of three things they are thankful for every day. So I have decided to take his advice, because he seems to have all the answers. And I decided that even if I count each family member individually, and count the card my sister sent me as two blessings (because it was just that funny), soon enough I'll have to start finding more creative reasons to be grateful. So this is what I came up with.

I am thankful that I am no longer 16 years old and still in the "I'm trying to fit in by acting 'cool' while still establishing my individuality" phase. Because this phase usually involves (if you're male) showing up at prom in a white suit with black pinstripes, (which by the way nobody really thought was attractive at all).

I am also thankful that I am no longer 16 and am now smart enough to not fall for men's deceptive charm. Oh, wait. Never mind, I still fall for that. Every time. But it's been several months since any man has tried to charm me, so I have convinced myself that I'm over that phase. And for that, I am eternally grateful. (No, I have no problem with being lulled into a carnal security. Yes, all is well in Zion.)

And finally, I am grateful for the fact that I am not a 16-year-old boy. Especially the 16-year-old boy who asked the hot girl to prom, and asked her for no reason besides the fact that she is hot, and proceeded to spend the evening holding her purse and flowers while she simultaneously did her best "I'm crossing my arms and turning away from you so that you will know just how much I don't want to be here wtih you" body langugage while scanning the room for anyone to talk to that was not her date.

So yeah. My life is way better than I ever thought.

prom '06

I agreed to chapherone our school's Junior/Senior prom this weekend, partly to be helpful, but mainly because I was curious to see what the 2006 prom styles were like. I'm pretty sure the theme this year was "hot". And not hot as in "wow, all the boys will think I look so hot and will all want to date me", (although this was inevitably the look each girl was going for), but hot as in hot pink, green, yellow, blue, orange, and turquoise, not only on their dresses, but eyes and lips as well.

And I'm pretty sure that dancing has changed a bit since I was in high school. (Not that I ever danced in high school, but that's besides the point. I watched a lot of it, so that totally counts.) The moves I witnessed Saturday night mainly involved feet planted firmly on the floor, sway your hips, swing one arm, eyes on your feet. (Just in case the swaying knocks you off balance, maybe?) And if the music gets really "hopping', jump twice, return to the sway. And people wonder why I don't love to dance. Huh.

Now, it turns out that in Georgia, while line-dancing to country music is not considered "cool", it is perfectly acceptable to line dance to a rap song. And it also turns out that boys who act too tough to get excited about making rock candy in class are not too tough to dance a bunny-hop type line dance, as long as it's to the tune of a rap song. There are some things I will never understand.

All-in-all, everyone had a good time. The girls pranced around taking as many pictures as humanly possible, hiding in the bathroom to discuss the evening with their friends, while the boys followed them around carrying purses, flowers, and talking on their cell phones.

Reason # 4827

Yet one more reason I LOVE my job.

I wore a pair of lime-green pants to school today. A rather bold move on my part, but I love them. And apparently, so did my students. I have never received more compliments on an item of clothing. Teenagers can be so flattering. And my physics students now think I have "so much style".

Even though we did turn off the lights during two of my classes, just to make sure they don't really glow in the dark.

And they love my new dark-brown hair color.

Yup. Teenagers are great.

Spring Break

In exactly 5 hours and 26 minutes, I will officially be on

SPRING BREAK!!!

And if you're a student,

And you think you're excited for spring break,

You have

NO IDEA

Because, as much as I LOVE my students,

I need a vacation in a BAD WAY.

And just so you know, today I played tag with my physics class and taught my Chemistry students how to play spread eagle. Which I'm pretty sure makes me, like, the coolest teacher ever. Not to brag or anything, but seriously, who would not want to be in my class? (Don't answer that.)

so much stuff

Everything you've always wanted to know about me, but have never thought to ask. Posted mainly because Heather said all kinds of flattering things about me, and everybody knows that flattery is really the best way to get what you want. If only my students could figure that out, we'd all be much happier. And if someone could inform them that I AM way more entertaining than your high school science teacher, that would be fantastic as well.


Five Movies You Can Watch Over and Over:
1. Charly. I think that might be embarrassing enough to cover all five. And just so Wendy knows, we're watching it EVERY DAY over spring break.
2. Centre Stage
3. Bandits
4. Danny Deckchair
5. Cinderella Man

Five embarrassing Songs that You Know All the Words To:
1. Um, every cheesey song ever written?
2. "Love Shack" by the B-52's
3. "Everything I do I do it for you" by Bryan Adams
4. "Wind Beneath my Wings"
5. I think I embarrassed myself enough with Charly, so I'll stop there.

Five Memorable Halloween Costumes:
1. A dice. age 7
2. Poodle, age 23. (and just so you know, I passed for a 12-year-old in that thing)
3. Tiger, age 4
4. Rainbow Brite, age 5
5. Student, age 25

Five Celebrities You Believe May Secretly be Alien:
1. TomKat (I'm pretty sure they count as one these days)
2. Mary Kate Olsen/Ashley Olsen
3. Nicole Richie
4. Mariah Carey
5. Hanson. All of them.

Five Occupations that You Know You Could Never Do:
1. Engineer. Six years studying the profession was enough for me.
2. Middle school teacher. Good thing I teach high school.
3. High-school principal. Nobody takes me seriously enough.
4. Circus Trainer. That's just wrong.
5. Did I mention engineer? Dating one was more than enough for me.

Five Books You've Recently Read Outside of Schoolwork:
1. Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis
2. The Namesake, Jhumpa Lahiri
3. The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis
4. Memoirs of a Geisha, Arthur Golden
5. What Does It Mean to be Well-Educated, Alfie Kohn

Five Ways to Perfectly Spend an Afternoon:
1. Napping
2. Reading in bed
3. At a high school baseball game with a picnic
4. Traveling somewhere new
5. Hiking

Five Lines You Blatantly Stole From a Movie, TV, a Commercial, or Song:
1. "Sore" As in, "and they were sore afraid." From the bible. Is it a good idea to steal from the bible?
2. "Nobody wins slamming doors." From the song, Nobody Wins Slamming Doors
3. "When you sing, it brings sunshine and happiness into my heart." About a Boy (I'm not sure I really say that so much, but it makes me laugh to think about it.)
4. "I guess you were right. The Bluebonnets were worth the drive." From some song that I can't remember the name of.
5. "I'm seeing someone. She doesn't know I see her, but I see her." Centre Stage

Not Your 5 Favorite Foods, But the 5 You're Most Likely Eating:
1. Chicken Nuggets
2. English muffin with peanut butter
3. Gumbo
4. a box of junior mints
5. Cold cereal, no milk

Five People Who Must Immediately Respond:
1. Katie, who is making me crazy jealous by going to London for spring break
2. Wendy, who is not nearly as boring as her library status may make her sound
3. Bryan, because he'll have more than enough to say
4. Genius, because she knows Chemistry (and because I'm running out of people I know)
5. Stef, because she made it to Utah

what NOT to ask your teacher

Listed in no particular order:


Ms. Reed, are you pregnant?

Are you ever planning on having kids? Because if you are, don't you think you're a little behind?

Now, I know you're talking about stuff, but are we supposed to be learning it?

What are you doing this weekend? Cause I'm having people over to our hot tub.

Did your boyfriend just dump you or something? Cause you're kind of grumpy today.

Happy Birthday Al

Yesterday was Albert Einstein's birthday. And, as is absolutely necessary in science classes, we made ice cream to celebrate. Because science class just wouldn't be the same without him.

Happy 127-th!

wet

We had our first track meet on Thursday, which went very well despite the other coaches making fun of me for wearing black dress pants.

And despite the fact that one little girl wet her pants during her race. Even after I told her that it was not a good idea to wait until after the race, and that it would not encourage her to run faster, but just make her uncomfortable. And even after I told her horror stories about girls from another school who had "accidents" during their events. But she did cut 30 seconds off of her mile, so she may have been right about the running faster idea.

dear parents,

i am not a liar I'M NOT!!!!!
So if your child tells you one story, and it differs somewhat from MY story, just remember.
I AM NOT A LIAR!Especially if your child is failing my class.
And the story HE told you was that I am trying my best to fail him.
By giving him a zero for an assignment that he turned in.
GAAAH!
Chances are, he's making up excuses (ie, LIES) about why he is failing my class.
That's what logic would tell us, anyway.
But apparently we don't all take logic into account.
Because we would prefer to believe that our child is perfect.
Right.

Right.

But just so you know, I'm NOT BUDGING!
Even if you think I'm lying.
And evil.

So you're not helping his grade.
But you are getting on my nerves.

A LOT.


Thanks,
Ms. Reed

sad

One of my students came into my room this morning to ask if he could have an extension on his lab report because his mom threw him out of the house last night. It made me want to cry.

jealousy

Today during class, I told a story about my friend and her boyfriend.

Ryan's response: Are you just jealous that she has a man and you can't get one?

Very funny, Ryan.

wish list

Just in case anyone out there is really dying to send me a gift, here's what I would like (in no particular order):

- An explanation as to why freshmen still think it's funny when the whole class drops their pens at the same time.

- And an explanation as to why said freshmen are seriously surprised when I kick the instigators out of my class.

- And why teenagers still don't get that I understand their sexual innuendos.

- And a poster of Einstein. (It's his birthday on the 14th)

- And a new drinking duck, since one of my students broke mine.

- 2 extra hours in each day

- A physical chemistry textbook

- A case of Powerade Option

- The Louis Vitton handbag that Collin offered to buy me when he saw that my bag is broken

- A trip to visit my nieces (I now have TWO)

- And a nice man certainly would be appreciated.

Thanks.

i'm feeling much better, thanks

And my 4th period class was very glas to see me back and no longer sick yesterday. And luckily, they know me well enough by this point that when they asked me what had made me sick, and I responded, "a hangover", they realized just how funny of a joke that was. Not necessarily appropriate, but very very funny.

And I had my official "how is the school year going, do we want you to come back next year" meeting with the headmaster yesterday. And she told me I've made one of the smoothest transitions into teaching she's ever seen, and offered me a job for next year. So I celebrated by buying myself a blended rootbeer float to celebrate.

Yesterday was also my very first track practice. It mainly involved showing up late because I was not informed that we meet in the fieldhouse at the beginning of practice, and not the track, and then a lot of yelling at kids to run faster, pretending not to feel bad when I made kids throw up, and making them run extra laps for whining. All in all, we had a very enjoyable time.

And in more exciting news, I'm going to a science teacher's conference tomorrow, and, as much as I'd like to believe my students will miss me dearly, they are anticipating my absence since I am leaving a movie for them to watch while I'm gone.

That's it.

Tidbits

I'm the new JV Track coach at our school, which basically means I babysit the younger kids while the real coach trains the varsity runners, but still. They gave me my very own whistle and stopwatch and clipboard, which makes me feel very official and bossy, so I signed up for the job. Plus, I think I get a free track shirt.

I threw up during my 4th period class yesterday and had to go home early. I think this may be the 2nd time in my life I've gone home sick. The first was when I was in first grade and had the chicken pox and my mom told me I couldn't go to school, but I ran out the front door and all the way to school anyway. They made me leave.

On a not-so-happy note, my friends apparently have been planning a trip to Lake Tahoe and forgot to include me in the email exchange! Grrr.... Well, then, I'll plan a trip to Europe for myself, thankyouverymuch. But I can't really be mad, because I'm pretty sure most of them were unaware of their folly. Most.

I'm learning Organic Chemistry, which is way more fun than it may sound. And I totally aced the first quiz.

some fools never learn

or, how to annoy me.

Sometimes I have way too much faith in people, and their ability to just figure things out. Like the woman who called me twenty times in one day, thinking that it was her daughter's number. And then three days and two pleasant "I am not your daughter, you must have the wrong number" conversations later, she still has not figured out that she wrote down THE WRONG PHONE NUMBER!!! Instead, she keeps reading back to me MY phone number, and telling me how funny that is that her daughter and I have the exact same number, and isn't that a coincidence?

Which would be fine, if she hadn't decided, at 11:00 pm, to begin calling EVERY. TWO. MINUTES. Because maybe if she called enough times, the call would magically be transferred to somebody's phone besides mine. It wasn't.

dear anonymous poster:

otherwise known as brother.

I emailed you last!! So there.

Love, Poodle

i am clearly playing favorites

We played a review game in my physics class today, since they have a test on Monday, and I thought it would be more interesting than going over review problems all class.

The rules of the game are as follows, and were explained at the beginning of class:
1. The class should break up into 5 groups of 4 students each.
2. I will read a question out loud, only once, and then the teams will race the see who can come up with the correct answer first.
3. When the team agrees on a correct answer, they ring the bell. The answer must be written down, units must be labeled, and it has to be completely correct or they will not receive any points for the problem. If even the sign is incorrect, I will move on to the next team.
4. The team with the most points at the end of the period wins a prize.

Sounds like fun, right?

Well, it was. For me, at least. But one particular group of boys had failed to listen to the instructions at the beginning of class. And they kept getting the wrong answers. Or ringing the bell before their answer was written down. So they kept not getting points.

So then they quit. And slammed their books on the table. And informed me that they are "the smartest people in the class", but I just don't like them. And pouting, sulking, glaring, and muttering complaints under their breath.

Seriously, if I weren't laughing so hard, I would have kicked them all out of class.

Freshmen.

Ms Reed's Class Policies

1. Kissing up is perfectly acceptable behavior. It is, in fact, highly encouraged. You are in school to develop not only your intellctual capacity, but a character that will allow you to succeed in the future. And seriously, who has ever become very successful without learning the fine art of buttkissing.

2. Never interrupt my class with a comment that begins, "So, on this cartoon I used to watch...."

3. If you are going to eat in my class, it better be something I like, and you'd better be willing to share.

4. If you make fun of me, I'll make fun of you.

5. If you are trying to convince me to spend my evening grading the lab report that you turned in late, just so you will no longer have a zero for it, and therefore can possibly get out of being grounded this weekend, I would suggest not starting your argument with "Well, you don't party and you don't have a TV, so what better do you have to do..."

6. If I am speaking sternly to one of your classmates, don't tell jokes that will make me laugh. I lose all credibility when that happens.

7. Don't think that I"m too old to understand sexual innuendos. I know what all those words mean. Don't use them in my class.

8. When you ask me what we're doing in class today, and my response is "having fun," I'm not being sarcastic. I really do think Chemistry is fun. And so should you.

sometimes...

i run out of time and forget to write.

and then I forget to email my sisters.

and then I forget to call my friends.

And sometimes freshmen are immature.

And sometimes juniors are immature. Well, maybe I should modify that to that one junior named James who happens to be in my 4th period class. The rest of them are great.

Especially the one who came into my classroom at the beginning of all of my classes today to collect money so that I can win the "lets slime a teacher" contest we're currently having. Because he really thought I would love to get slimed this Friday. He's sweet. And I got him back when I taught his pre-cal class. Hehe...

I lost $10 today....

The very $10 that was the last cash I had for the month of January. The $10 that was supposed to feed me for the next week. All because it's Monday morning and raining and my Chemistry students were tired and bored and I wanted to wake them up, so I told them if they could catch my $10 bill they could keep it. And Nick caught it. And kept it. I knew I should have only let them each try once. That's what I get for getting cocky.

But I got a free meal on Saturday, all because I answered my phone without looking at the number, and when I heard a male's voice on the other end, a male's voice that sounded shockingly similar to my friend Michael's, I assumed that it was Michael and sounded way too excited about having dinner with him. And then I realized that the voice did not, in fact, belong to Michael, but did, in fact, belong to Brad. The same Brad who has been calling me for months and once asked me "Do you like me? Cause I like you. That's why I was staring at you yesterday. So do you like me?" and made me feel like I was back in second grade. So we spent a rather uncomfortable hour eating Indian food while he commented continuously on how it was way too quiet in the restaurant, and that made him feel like he had to talk, which he just didn't like. To which I responded "well, it is 3:30 in the afternoon. Not too many people eat dinner at 3:30 in the afternoon."

The moral of the story is, check your caller ID. And never trust teenagers.

much better today

I had a rotten day yesterday, mostly due to the fact that high-school freshmen can be brats.

But then I went to my Chemistry class, with the sophomores and juniors whom I love so dearly, and Ryan informed me that he had to leave class early to go to the doctor, and that, while he was excited to get out of school early, he was sincerley sad to be missing my class. He is the best kiss-up I've had in a long time.

And then I went home and read the lab reports that my Chemistry students wrote, and found explanations such as Matt's "The decomposition was meant to show how violent decomposition reactions are. We heated some copper sulfate pentahydrate and five minutes later it turned gray," and Mikey's "We then placed 4 drops of potassium iodide solution in a watch glass, and added 4 drops of lead nitrate solution wondering what could possibly happen this time, and as soon as contact was established, it turned bright yellow. Astounding," which made me want to give them both A's, until I considered that it's probably not appropriate to use sarcasm (or run-on sentences, for that matter) in a formal write-up. So I let them build rockets today instead of discussing empirical formulas, the whole class was entirely grateful, and everyone was happy.

And my freshmen were not such brats today, mainly because I told them that if they could catch the $20 bill I dropped, they could keep it. Nobody caught it, because you'd have to have a .17 second reaction time. Which none of them do. Suckers!!

i think my brain may explode...

I've made it my lifelong goal to never stop learning. And this weekend, I kept that promise to myself.

I learned first of all just how much !FUN! it is to run into a student while shopping for bras, and debating between the pink polka-dots and the blue with peach bows. We pretended not to notice each other until I had checked out and said bras were neatly tucked away in their pink bag. I think we both handled that situation fairly gracefully.

I also learned that, just because an overhead lightbulb was only on for 30 seconds before it burned out, it is still hot enough to burn a hole right through your sweater in .5 seconds flat. And that students find that surprisingly amusing.

And that students also find it funny when you trip over their backpack and lose a shoe.

And that The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is a fantastic movie, and if I were the type to cry in movies, I would have cried in that one.

And I think that's it.

have you missed me?

Well, I'm finally back. And if you guys haven't missed me, I can assure you that my student sure have. Sam even thought about me a couple of times while he was in the shower. I wasn't exactly sure what to think about that, but the rest of the class certainly was not at a loss for snide remarks.

I spent my week back wondering what exactly had happened to the luggage that didn't make it back to Georgia with me, staring at the phone that had died and could not be charged due to the fact that the charger was in aforementioned lost luggage, and wondering why, when my car decided to break down on my way to school, standing in the middle of the road doing my best to look helpless and pathetic did not persuade anybody to stop and help me push my car out of the intersection. It did, however, merit several dirty looks and possibly a few obscene gestures. So much for southern hospitality. I then spent the remainder of the week feeling sorry for myself that I was not in Texas long enough to see baby Mabel, trying to figure out exactly how much Ace Automotive ripped me off when they "fixed" my broken-down car, and informing them that I am not actually as stupid as I look and that, no, it is actually not okay for them to charge me to fix the parts that they broke.

At school, much of my week consisted of pretending to be impressed with Tony for having "that bad-boy thing going on." Apparently it really works for him. I also made a few chemicals explode, burned a hole in my sweater in the process, but decided it was all worth it in the end, since my students were actually excited about something we were doing.

On a brighter note, Christmas was fantastic. I briefly considered returning the adorable pink shoes I received based on practicality issues, then realized that with my wardrobe, they are quite possibly the most practical shoes I own. I'd be hard-pressed to find an outfit they don't match. The pregnant olympics were unfortunately cancelled for being referred to as the "special" olympics one too many times. Apparently pregnant women do not like to be referred to as "special." Who knew? We enjoyed a few riveting games of Taboo and Speed Scrabble, and had a good laugh when, as we were looking for something fun to do, Shawn suggested, with the utmost enthusiasm, "Hey, let's do something PRODUCTIVE!"

I'm an aunt!!!

And I'm already the favorite aunt. Obviously.

Mabel was born Monday night at 11:20, weighing in at 6 lb, 8 oz. She's adorable.

two stories

Last week in homeroom:

Chris: Ms. Reed, why do you hate Ben?
Me: I don't hate Ben. What makes you think that?
Chris: Well, you gave him a detention.
Me: No, I didn't.
Chris: Yes, you did. He had it in chorus yesterday, and was SO mad. It had your name signed on the bottom.
Me: What was it for?
Chris: For taking his clothes off during class.
Me (laughing): Um, I'm pretty sure I'd remember that one. That's not from me. I promise.

Saturday at the airport:

Me: Hi. I need to check in.
Ticket counter person: Well, the computers are down.
Me: Okay... So, what do I need to do?
Ticket counter person: Well, the computers are down.
Me: Right. So....
Ticket counter person: Well, we can't pull up any of your information. But it's against FAA regulations to board a passenger without a boarding pass. So I'm just going to write your name and flight number on this piece of paper, and that'll be your boarding pass.
Me: Alright. Do you need any proof that I'm actually supposed to be on this flight?
Ticket counter person: Do you have any with you?
Me: No.
Him: Oh. Okay. Well, here's your boarding pass. Have a nice flight.
Me: Alrighty, then. Glad to see airport security is still a top priority here.

need to know

Can somebody please explain to me how a student can sit in my class all semester, try to sleep during my review session because he "already gets this stuff", tell me, when he turns in his midterm, that "gee, that was pretty easy", and then proceed to answer 3 questions correctly on the entire exam. Three. Out of thirty-one.

Three.

And one of those three happened to be the "name something you'd like to do in physics next semester" that I added on since it's the Christmas season and I was feeling in the spirit of giving.

Sometimes I just don't understand.

midterm answers

Overall, my students did well on their midterms. But sometimes they still make me laugh.

Question: A light wave coming from a point ono the left edge of the sun is found by astronomers to have a higher frequency than the light on the right side. Explain why this is, using what we have learned this semester.
Answer: You know, Miss Reed, I'm not certain

Question: A circuit has 5 resistors, A, B, C, D, and E. They all have the same voltage drop across them. Do we know what type of circuit this is? Justify your answer.
Answer: I'm pretty sure this was that hard one like from the last test, so I'm putting down the answer you told us. I really hope it's the same question!

More to come....

Happy Holidays!

Finals are over. I just have to finish grading, and I am DONE!!! And I thought I would be doing cartwheels, but I think I want to cry instead. I am so sad that I won't see my students for two whole weeks. Bummer.

But I held a study session at Barnes and Noble last night, which was entertaining for several reasons. First, Tony asked me to go to the winter formal with him. Mikey was still highly medicated from the surgery he had that morning, and didn't understand that I was actually making fun of his hot pink shirt, not complimenting it. And Collin nearly had a nervous breakdown because he was "SO going to fail tomorrow." He didn't fail.

And did you know that teachers receive a Christmas bonus?!?! Well, they do. Halleluiah for that.

some confusion

Will knows that I do not own a microwave. He also knows that I'm mormon. For some reason, he thought the two were connected.

Yesterday in class:
Will: Ms. Reed? What would happen if someone from your church bought a microwave and, like, microwaved all their food?

Me: Um, they wouldn't have a very healthy diet? Is this a trick question?

Will: Well, like, would they get kicked out of your church or something?

The last week of my life has involved much excitement. I turned 25, which, besides the fact that only ONE MEMBER OF MY FAMILY BOTHERED TO CALL ME, was a fantastic birthday. My students invited me to "the sexiest party of the year", which invitation I respectfully declined. But that was sure sweet of them.

My little sister returned from her mission on Thursday with a significantly heightened level of spirituality, but a disturbing lack of fashion sense. Don't worry, we'll fix that soon enough.

I have also received two detentions from students, one for giving difficult quizzes and one for talking during class. Right.

One of the highlights of my week, however, involved forgetting that "wo unto the liar, for he shall be thrust down to hell" is actually a Book of Mormon reference and not a bible reference, and completely confusing my students with it. And then I allowed my fourth period class to use one of the advent candles for a lab experiment. If I were a Catholic, I'd totally be going to hell. Maybe I still am.

sometimes i think my students are funny

and sometimes I don't.

Like yesterday, when I was leaning over Tony's desk helping him with a chemistry problem, and he informed me that my sweater was unbuttoned. And then I panicked because I suddenly had 6 teenaged boys staring at me and I seriously thought I was flashing all of them. But then I looked down and saw that I was wearing a sweater that came all the way up to my neck, but had flaps with buttons on them that were not really meant to be buttoned, and I realized that he was (1) making fun of my sweater, and (2) thinking that it was really funny that he made me panic.

And then Mikey wanted me to button the flaps over my head, because he thought it would look really cool.

Sure, sure. That's a great idea, Mikey.

halleluiah!

I kicked a student out of my class today. Not a good day.

But I am DONE until after Thanksgiving. I have never been so ready for a break. HOORAH!!!

for future reference

If you ever think your shower is clogged, and you keep pouring drain-o down the drain to relieve the clogging, and when that doesn't help, you call your apartment complex to come check out the problem, and call your friend to see if maybe you could borrow his shower for the night, before you do any of this, first check to make sure you haven't accidentally flipped the switch that closes the drain. It will save you a lot of embarrassment. Trust me. Because people will laugh at you. A lot. And they just might wonder how you ever made it this far in life, and you really don't want that to happen.

a bad morning

My alarm went off at 5:30 this morning. As usual. Which meant that it was still dark outside, which meant that I couldn't really see anything in my room. Which also meant that I didn't realize how close I was to the edge of the bed. Which meant that when I tried to crawl to the end of my bed to turn off the alarm, I fell off and landed flat on my head.

So then I decided that nobody should ever start their morning off by falling on their head, so I called a do-over and got right back into bed to try again. I had much better success the second time around.

But this whole experience reminded me of the time that a person I once knew was pretending to be nine years old and kept calling do-overs. But then I thought "Hey, maybe he's not pretending!"

But my do-over helped. I had a great day.

ways to irritate me

Cheat in my class.

While I'm standing two feet away from you.

Pretend you were "only joking" about the cheating.

Argue that since you hadn't actually turned the assignment in yet, it's really not cheating.

Throw a fit when I give you and the friend who was cheating with you a zero on the assignment anyway.

Glare at me all class. (Okay, so maybe I found this part slightly amusing. Because if you think that I'm concerned whether or not you like me, you are WRONG. So it's pretty funny watching you try to annoy me.)

this is my school

This is my building. My classroom is hidden behind the trees.
This is where the nuns used to live. It's now been converted into classrooms and offices.
This is the gym/cafeteria building. And the senior parking lot, with reserved spaces that parents pay up to TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS for their children to park in. (They're sold at an annual fundraising auction.)

Looks like fun, huh?

study hall

I sorely disappointed my study hall students today by:

(1) not letting them have class outside,
(2) informing them that possibly the worst thing I've ever done is skip school a couple times, and
(3) pointing out, when they thought that "she's such a little Catholic school girl" was a really clever insult, that they were all currently sitting in a Catholic school, wearing Catholic school uniforms, and doing Catholic school homework, which just might classify them as Catholic school girls.

Yes, they love me.

And then Sam wanted to hear my "wildest" high school story, to which Emily responded "well, she read this really good book once, and then told her friends about it." I think she was making fun of me. Not exactly the way to convince me that we should have study hall outside.

Staying after school for an hour to scrub my lab tables, however, is an excellent start.

more quiz answers

Question: What is lattice energy?
Answer: I don't remember talking about lettuce during class.

Question: Explain what factors affect the geometry of a molecule.
Answer: This isn't geometry class.

Question: Explain why metals can conduct electricity.
Answer: Oh, gosh. It was on the review sheet, but I just don't remember.

Question: Define ionic bonding.
Answer: Ionic is when one atom steals an electron from another. Yes, he's selfish.

Question: Write the electron configuration for the most common ion of the following elements.
Answer: I hate hard tests!

Question: Why do atoms generally form bonds?
Answer: Well, it has something to do with chemistry, I think.

Question: Draw the Lewis Structure for the following molecules
Answer: I need to think of something funny to say so you'll be in a good mood when you grade this.

Quiz answer

"The electrons feel up the orbitals"

My response: Um, really? That's interesting...

comments made by students

Tony: Um, Ms. Reed? Is there such thing as plaigarism on a quiz?
Uh, is there something you want to tell me, Tony?

Josh (when, five minutes before class ended, he had only answered one question on his quiz, because he clearly did not study and was not prepared): I'll just come in tomorrow morning and finish it.
Yeah. Right.

Spurgeon (as the answer to quiz question #3): Come on, Ms. Reed, this is so obvious. You've explained it so many times.
Well, halleluiah, someone's been listening to me!! Maybe you should share that answer with Josh.

Spurgeon (on the way to St Joseph's for mass): Ms. Reed, I can't walk any farther. It is too hot out here.
Me: Well, then take your coat off, Spurgeon.
Spurgeon: I can't take this jacket off. It's POLO.
And no, he was not joking.

state champs

I spent the evening at our boy's State Championship soccer game. (Which my school won, by the way. We are 20-0 for the season, and are now nationally ranked.) Highlights of the night included hearing our campus minister, whose job description mainly involves being warm and fuzzy, yell at the refs, being asked if Chad was my brother, watching the officials try to clear the fans off of the field after the game so they could begin the award ceremony, and watching James pretend not to see me because he still insists on acting five years old. So I flirted with his roommate, because if he's allowed to be five years old, then so am I. I'm so mature.

Oh, and I also rather enjoyed making fun of Brady, one of my funniest students, as he ran around like a madman in a swim cap, spandex body suit, with blue and gold paint all over himself. I'd say that all-around, we are a pretty classy group. Go, Cavs, go.

how embarrassing

Today during physics class, the sweetest little freshman boy I teach accidentally hit me in the rear end with a wad of paper. I have never seen a child turn so red so fast. Which made me laugh so hard I couldn't even get mad at him.

maybe a little gross....

Introductions:

Me - very funny. very clever.

Heather - Fellow teacher. Thinks I am very funny and very clever.

Ron - My department head. Doesn't so much think I am very funny and very clever. About 65 years old. Has been teaching at this school for 35 years now. Which means that he has taught some of my student's parents. And once taught physics to the school's current physics teacher.

The conversation:

Me: Hey, Ron. Heather and I found a lab we're going to do in Chemistry on Halloween. It's called Playing with Polymers.

Ron: How much is it going to cost?

Me: It's going to be really fun. They make four different kinds of slime, and run some simple tests on the polymers.

Ron: What supplies do you need?

Me: Look, they call the slimes Boogers, Goobers, Gook, and Ooblek. Funny, huh?

Ron: What supplies do they need to make the boogers?

Me: Hehe. Well, I think just a finger and a nose.

Heather: Hehe.

Ron (Pausing long enough to let me know just how dumb he thought that comment was): So how much is this going to cost?

Me: Hehe. Uh, so I was joking about the finger and the nose thing....

Ron: Right. So how much will this lab cost?

I feel so unappreciated.

dear person who found my blog by searching for "plan pink poodle party,"

Hey, I want to come!!!

Please?

Love,
Poodle

And does anybody know how to tell a parent that their child is failing your class because they don't do any work and don't pay attention during class and pretty much don't do anything, and probably that's because they're overindulged at home, and still reassure them that you are delighted to be teaching their son/daughter and are so excited to see them succeed this year, and oh, boy, they have so much potential, and they must really be a great parent to raise such a delightful child?

Cause that's what I get to do today. And after 25 parents, I'm getting GOOD.

the answer you've all been waiting for

I finally had to admit that I failed "stump the teacher" and ask Leah the answer to the riddle. Because it was driving me crazy, and apparently was driving "anonymous crazy as well.

So here it is. The letters in the foods he can eat can spell other words (beard, team, etc.) and the foods he can't eat cannot spell other words.

Now, wasn't that obvious?

Yeah.

Now here's another. All of the trees outside of a cabin are tilted in one direction. Everyone inside the cabin is dead. Why? (It has nothing to do with a natural disaster.)

the other day in physics:

Joseph: Hey, Ms. Reed. The Astros are down by two games, you know...

Me: Yeah, so remind me, Joseph. Who beat the Braves?

Joseph: Shut up.

Me: No, I'm serious. I really don't remember who beat them. But since you're their biggest fan, I thought you would keep track of that kind of thing.

Joseph: Angry silence.

Hehe. I'm evil. But he forgave me enough to show me pictures of himself playing with a remote-control car with some of the Braves players. What a good sport.

dear person who found my blog by searching for "off his flexibility",

Um, I'm just not sure what to think of you.

But welcome to my blog.

Love,
Poodle


Dear person who found my blog by searching for "pink poodle bedroom",

I'm not sure that's the best idea ever. Unless maybe you're 5.

Love,
Poodle


Dear person who found my blog by searching for "treats for poodles",

We like Snickers. And Butterfingers, and just about any kind of pie.

And Nerds.

And hot fudge brownie sundaes, as long as the brownie is hot and has lots of nuts in it.

If you need any more ideas, just let me know.

Love,
Poodle

Dear person who found my blog by searching for "ways to charm a woman,"

I have a feeling that if you're searching the internet for ideas, you may be in need of some serious help in this department.

But that's what I'm here for. To serve you. Maybe I can give you some pointers.

Best of luck,
Poodle

Dear Bethany,

Hi. Thanks for finding some cute outfits for mom to buy me. You are the best.

All my love,
Poodle

Dear Mabel,

Welcome to the family (soon). Be sure to tell grandma that you want her to buy me pretty things. You're the first grandchild. She'll do anything you say.

Work your charm, little one!

Love from your favorite aunt,
Poodle

we have ourselves a winner

I would like to congratulate Paul, who is officially the winner of the "worst first date line" award.

I am sure that he put a lot of effort into this line, as there were several in the competition, all of which are worthy of such an honor. But Paul takes it, with the following:

"You know, we really should live like bees. The females do all the work, and the males just sit around and mate all day."

Charming.

okay, so i was wrong

my date wasn't last night. it's tonight. in about five minutes. and i'm making him go to my school's football game with me.

and i have another one tomorrow night. with a different boy this time. i'm dreading it. i used to be so good at turning boys down. what's happening to me?!?!

i need help.

riddle

a man can eat bread, meat, spinach, pears, and cream.

he cannot eat fish, soup, apples, or pizza. why???

i need to know by tomorrow so i don't COMPLETELY lose the game of "stump the teacher" that we played at the end of physics today.

because i already didn't know that emmitt smith accumulated 18,000 rushing yards in his career. or the names of all the caesars that they are apparently learning in their history class right now. so i need to redeem myself.

i have a date on thursday

so what should i wear?

and can anyone think of any good first-date conversation topics? cause he's pretty quiet, and thus far i have been the main carrier of conversation. so i need something good.

bumbling

yesterday in class:

Me: Tony, could you not be how about you are you not talking?

Tony: What did you say?

Me: I have no idea.

hard numbers

0: number of A's earned by my fifth-period class this quarter. also the number of students i have made cry

1: number of times i have done laundry in the two and a half months I've lived here. also the number of times i have gone to bed before midnight. also the number of piggly-wigglys i have encountered.

2: number of labs involving M&M's i have come up with

5: number of students who failed my class this quarter

7: number of times i have danced in front of my class

8: number of times i have changed the seating chart in my first-period class

9: length of my sunday nap three weeks ago, in hours

10: time that i went to bed for the night after waking up from said 9 hour nap at 9:30

25: total number of compliments i have received on my shoes from my students

30: number of times i have tripped over backpacks

70: number of times my students have "accidentally" turned on the gas valves during class

80: number of students i teach

100: percentage of times i have asked for directions and heard the phrase "you're going to pass a really big baptist church"

bored

I've been trying all week to think of things to write about, and have come up with nothing. Mainly because my students really just haven't been that entertaining lately. And since they are my sole source of entertainment, that means that I have nothing funny to say.

Unless I want to write about when my seventh-period class was playing a review game. The first team wanted their team name to be Ultimate Frisbee, so I wrote UF on the board for short. So the other team thought it would be pretty clever to be Fun University, so I would write FU on the board. And I fell for it, too, much to their delight.

And then I went to Utah this weekend and saw my friend Phil and realized that I haven't done a good job of keeping in touch with anybody since I started working. Except for Wendy, who emails me throughout the day.

And then I remembered that I'm going to DC this weekend, just for fun. So that when my students ask me what I do for fun, I have something to say besides "tell funny stories about you guys." They'll be thrilled.

And that is the end of my story.

i'm going where?

Fifth period today:

Mikey (by far my wittiest student): How about we watch a movie today?
Me: We will never watch a movie in my class.
Mikey: Why not?
Me: Because we're here to learn Chemistry!
Mikey: I bet you watched movies in your chemistry class in high school.
Me: No, I've never watched a single movie in any chemistry class I've taken.
Mikey: Ms. Reed, I hope you know you go to hell for a year for every lie you tell.

Later in the class:

Me: Mikey, are you playing games on your calculator?
Mikey: No, of course not. I'm listening to you.
Me: You know, you go to hell for a year for every lie you tell. Keep that in mind.
Mikey: Did you just tell me I'm going to hell?
Me: Yes, I think I did.
Mikey: Ms. Reed, this is a Catholic school. You can't say something like that. (Ha!)


During fourth period:

The class thought it would be pretty fun today to find out the worst thing I've ever done.

Luckily the worst thing I ever did was skip school once in high school.

I'm pretty sure they were disappointed with that answer.

this is REALLY why i love my job

I laugh a lot at my students, and they laugh at me. We have fun in class, and they provide many entertaining stories for my friends and blog-readers. I make fun of the boys for hitting on the pretty girl who is clearly not interested, and they make fun of me for showing up at the homecoming game without a date.

However, the REAL reason I love my job is because of this email I received today from our Academic Support specialist:

Hey, Brittany:

You may have already received a call from Laura, mother of 8th grader Catherine. Catherine is an Academic Student of mine and is having an awful first quarter. I told her mom to contact you about helping her out after school. I believe you would be wonderful for her. She needs afternoon supervision and motivation to complete her assignments and prepare for exams. Mom is working in Atlanta and is driving back and forth and the parents are going through a divorce. I hope you can work something out to help her.

Thanks.

Martha

And because of Justin, one of my chemistry students who was intentionally failing at the beginning of the year, and is now making a B in my class, and who informed me last week that my class is the only one he is doing well in and the only one he never causes trouble in. He stops by my freshman physics class during his lunch break just to say hi, and wrote a lab summary on his last lab report (which was not required) and insisted that I read it before starting started class because he was so proud of how well he had done.

I don't think I'll ever get tired of my job.

i had so much fun making up this physics quiz....

I hope my students appreciate my humor. Here are a few sample questions from my quiz (based on actual classroom events):

1. When the entire sixth-period physics class simultaneously drops its pens on the floor, it produces a sound with a 30-dB rating. If the sound of the entire class dropping their books on the floor is 1000 times more intense than the pens dropping, find the decibel rating of the books falling. (Don't try it....)
2. A certain physics student sees a cockroach in the classroom, and lets out a high-pitched scream. If the student’s scream has a wavelength of .57 meters and the speed of sound in air is 345 meters/second, what is the frequency of the scream?
3. The cheerleaders at the football game want the entire stadium to hear their cheers. A person on the front row is 3 meters away from them and can hear them with an intensity of 100 W/m^2. If the lowest intensity that a human can detect is .75W/m^2, how far away can a person be sitting and still know that when they yell blue, he yells gold?
   

I have lots of cheerleaders in my class. I hope they know just how funny I am. Hehe.

did anyone see oprah yesterday?

because my students seem to think that i look like the girl who was on the show yesterday.

and now i'm curious to see what she looks like.

sympathy

yesterday, one of my students walked into class looking a little distraught. this is the conversation that ensued:

Me: Collin, you look like you're walking to your death.
Collin: I know, Ms. Reed.
Me: Why? Chemistry isn't that bad, is it?
Collin: No. But my parents just bought me a brand new BMW 530.
Me: Go sit down. You will receive no sympathy from me after starting a complaint with that statement.
Colln: But if I don't do good in this class they might take it away.
Me: Um, how are you doing in English?
Collin: Huh?
Me: Never mind....
Collin: So how's my grade?
Me: Well, you didn't turn in your lab report. And you didn't study for your last quiz. Did you study for the quiz you have today?
Collin: No....
Me: Now, if you would like to donate that brand-new BMW to the poor Chemistry teacher help fun, then maybe we can talk.
Collin: Ms. Reed, I'm not giving you my car!
Me: Then go sit down. When you're ready to reconsider my offer, let me know.

Yes, I take bribes.

i can't believe this!

I've gotten used to students changing the subject so that I'll talk about something besides Chemistry. And if they make me laugh, it works really well. But today they tried this:

Chris: Ms. Reed, I didn't think I was going to like you the first day of class.
Rachel: Yeah. Me, either.
Chris: I thought you were going to be MEAN.
Casey: I liked you because you dressed cute.
Christina: Hehe. Hehe. (That's about the most I can ever get out of her)
Chris: But you're not mean. You're pretty nice now! Why did you have to be mean at first?

I am SO not mean. I'm nice. So so nice.

selective hearing

Sometimes I make the mistake of forgetting that teenagers have selective hearing. So when you tell them that you'll sing for them if they get through all of the material you had planned for that day, all they hear is "I'll sing at the end of class." And then you will never hear the end of it. And every day they will remind you that you still need to sing for them. And that they would really like for you to freestyle rap.

And when you tell them one time three weeks ago that they get to do a fire lab, and then remind them every single day that they have a quiz on Tuesday, and write it on the board and on the assignment sheet you handed out to them, they will still come into class on Tuesday surprised that you're handing out a quiz. But they will still ask every single day when they get to do the fire lab you mentioned once three weeks ago.

And when you tell them specifically to read the directions to their quiz, because on the directions you write "if you do not know the answer, simply put your name in the blank and you will receive full credit for the question" because you know perfectly well that nobody reads anything you give them and nobody listens to anything you tell them, every single student except for three still fails the quiz. But at least they now read the directions.

dynamite girl

It's homecoming week at my school. The theme is "Superheroes". So the students assigned each faculty member a superhero that fits them the best that they are supposed to "be" all week.

I am Dynamite Girl. And this is what I found about Dynamite girl:

http://dynamitegirl.net/aboutdg.html

Gee, I'm flattered....

yeah, right

Today one of my students asked me if I would go to the homecoming dance with him.

My reply: Yeah, right.

And then four different boys asked me for my phone number. So they can ask for help on their lab reports.

My reply: Yeah, right.

And then they asked if I would consider giving multiple-choice tests. Or at least consider making the class a little easier.

My reply: Yeah, right.

shout it out

I think my voice has increased several decibels since I started teaching. Because my classroom is huge, my students are loud, and my voice is (was) soft. And so I spend eight hours of my day shouting so that when my students don't listen to me at least they can't use the "I couldn't hear you" excuse. It forces them to be a little more creative and come up with reasons like "well, Ms. Reed, your shirt is really cool today, and I was thinking about how much I liked it so I missed your explanation of our lab." And I love flattery and firmly believe that cleverness should be rewarded, so I repeat myself yet again.

But I've started to notice that I now feel the need to shout everything I say. It doesn't even feel like I'm shouting. I yelled at a man at the mall last week when he asked me how I was. And then he looked confused because I was smiling and telling him how fantastic I am, but relayed the information in a terrifyingly loud voice. And then I yelled at the man who opened a dressing room for me at the Gap. And at Tony, the student that I ran into at Kroger.

So the conclusion I've come to is that I need a vacation. A quiet one during which I can whisper and still be heard. And have my own personal chef (aka my mom) so that I eat something better than peanut M&M's for dinner. And get more than 4 hours of sleep a night. And have my own personal maid (aka my mom) to wash my clothes and clean up after me. And buy me nice things. And I think that's all I need.

hot

Yesterday, I received five separate compliments on my shoes. All from five separate male students.

And I'm pretty sure that one of those compliments involved the word "hot". Although he muttered that under his breath when he thought I was no longer listening.

I'm pretty sure I won't be wearing those shoes again any time soon.

Dear Mom,

Mother: "1. Mother - Kasey Chambers"

Listen to this song. It makes me think of you.

And make sure your speakers are plugged in. And turned on.

Love,
Poodle

Dear side-by-side washer/dryer combination that my parents want to buy me for my birthday,

I'm really excited to meet you. So excited, in fact, that I haven't done any laundry in the past three weeks because I just want to save it all up for you. And when I run out of clean anything, I simply buy more of that anything. For you. Because I know that you can't wait to wash my clothes even more than I can't wait for you to wash my clothes.

Do you think I can make it to November without washing anything? I'm willing to bet I can.

Love,
Poodle

another conversation during chemistry

Rachel: Hey, Ms. Reed. My mom thinks you're really smart. She was talking about you last night after she met you.
Me: Hey, I think your mom's smart!

dear boy who followed me home from church on sunday,

Please don't do that. Thanks.

Brittany

--

Dear parents I met at parent's night last night,

Thank you for only pointing out once how young I look.

Ms. Reed

--

Dear bed,

I'm sorry I haven't been able to spend much quality time with you lately. I promise we can hang out a lot this weekend. But absence makes the heart grow fonder.

All my love,
Poodle

--

Dear food that requires any preparation whatsover,

I'm sorry, but I just don't think our relationship is working out. You are way too demanding and simply ask for too much of my time. It makes me feel smothered.

Regretfully,
Poodle

--

Dear teacher who scared my entire physics class and made one girl cry,

I did not invite you into my classroom. You are terrifying to freshmen. We had to have a mini therapy session after you left. Thanks a lot.

Ms. Reed

--

Dear poodlereed.blogspot.com,

Happy birthday. It's been a fantastic year.

All my Love,
Poodle

--

a chemistry lesson

by Ms. Reed

Me: As we demonstrated yesterday in our lab, Dalton's atomic theory states that atoms cannot be created or destroyed.
Ryan: Is that really true?
Me: Yes.
Ryan: And all matter is composed of atoms?
Me: Yes, that's the first statement from Dalton's theory.
Ryan: So people are made of atoms?
Me: Yes.
Ryan: Okay, well, what about when babies grow? Are atoms made then?
Me: Nope.
Ryan: Well, then, where do babies come from?

Followed by much laughter from his classmates. And from me. Luckily he's a good sport.

Me: Well, Ryan, that is a discussion for another time.

i'm a teacher?

If any of my physics students have wondered whether I'm really old enough to be teaching high school, I think they got their answer yesterday.

When I told them they could play the last ten minutes of class if somebody got up and danced in front of the whole class. Which somebody did.

And when I let the boys compete to see who could chug the most Sprite. And had a great conversation with the girls about shoe shopping.

But in my defense, I made sure they had all finished their work. And they're way ahead of the other classes because they're so darned smart. And always pay attention during class.

And I at least made the boys say "excuse me" when they belched after their chugging contest. And I would not allow belching to become a part of the contest.

I have things under control. Totally.

people like me...

James: (Only joking, of course. And thinking he's really funny, as usual.) I tried to get Brittany to stop calling me, but she won't. I keep hanging out with her cause I'm such a nice person.
BJ: James, if that's the truth, you are a complete fool.

Friend #2: I never edit my thoughts. For anybody. I always say whatever I think. But after knowing you for only five minutes, I'm already careful about what I say around you. And that speaks worlds about your character.

And this is why I love my friends.