two stories

Last week in homeroom:

Chris: Ms. Reed, why do you hate Ben?
Me: I don't hate Ben. What makes you think that?
Chris: Well, you gave him a detention.
Me: No, I didn't.
Chris: Yes, you did. He had it in chorus yesterday, and was SO mad. It had your name signed on the bottom.
Me: What was it for?
Chris: For taking his clothes off during class.
Me (laughing): Um, I'm pretty sure I'd remember that one. That's not from me. I promise.

Saturday at the airport:

Me: Hi. I need to check in.
Ticket counter person: Well, the computers are down.
Me: Okay... So, what do I need to do?
Ticket counter person: Well, the computers are down.
Me: Right. So....
Ticket counter person: Well, we can't pull up any of your information. But it's against FAA regulations to board a passenger without a boarding pass. So I'm just going to write your name and flight number on this piece of paper, and that'll be your boarding pass.
Me: Alright. Do you need any proof that I'm actually supposed to be on this flight?
Ticket counter person: Do you have any with you?
Me: No.
Him: Oh. Okay. Well, here's your boarding pass. Have a nice flight.
Me: Alrighty, then. Glad to see airport security is still a top priority here.

need to know

Can somebody please explain to me how a student can sit in my class all semester, try to sleep during my review session because he "already gets this stuff", tell me, when he turns in his midterm, that "gee, that was pretty easy", and then proceed to answer 3 questions correctly on the entire exam. Three. Out of thirty-one.

Three.

And one of those three happened to be the "name something you'd like to do in physics next semester" that I added on since it's the Christmas season and I was feeling in the spirit of giving.

Sometimes I just don't understand.

midterm answers

Overall, my students did well on their midterms. But sometimes they still make me laugh.

Question: A light wave coming from a point ono the left edge of the sun is found by astronomers to have a higher frequency than the light on the right side. Explain why this is, using what we have learned this semester.
Answer: You know, Miss Reed, I'm not certain

Question: A circuit has 5 resistors, A, B, C, D, and E. They all have the same voltage drop across them. Do we know what type of circuit this is? Justify your answer.
Answer: I'm pretty sure this was that hard one like from the last test, so I'm putting down the answer you told us. I really hope it's the same question!

More to come....

Happy Holidays!

Finals are over. I just have to finish grading, and I am DONE!!! And I thought I would be doing cartwheels, but I think I want to cry instead. I am so sad that I won't see my students for two whole weeks. Bummer.

But I held a study session at Barnes and Noble last night, which was entertaining for several reasons. First, Tony asked me to go to the winter formal with him. Mikey was still highly medicated from the surgery he had that morning, and didn't understand that I was actually making fun of his hot pink shirt, not complimenting it. And Collin nearly had a nervous breakdown because he was "SO going to fail tomorrow." He didn't fail.

And did you know that teachers receive a Christmas bonus?!?! Well, they do. Halleluiah for that.

some confusion

Will knows that I do not own a microwave. He also knows that I'm mormon. For some reason, he thought the two were connected.

Yesterday in class:
Will: Ms. Reed? What would happen if someone from your church bought a microwave and, like, microwaved all their food?

Me: Um, they wouldn't have a very healthy diet? Is this a trick question?

Will: Well, like, would they get kicked out of your church or something?

The last week of my life has involved much excitement. I turned 25, which, besides the fact that only ONE MEMBER OF MY FAMILY BOTHERED TO CALL ME, was a fantastic birthday. My students invited me to "the sexiest party of the year", which invitation I respectfully declined. But that was sure sweet of them.

My little sister returned from her mission on Thursday with a significantly heightened level of spirituality, but a disturbing lack of fashion sense. Don't worry, we'll fix that soon enough.

I have also received two detentions from students, one for giving difficult quizzes and one for talking during class. Right.

One of the highlights of my week, however, involved forgetting that "wo unto the liar, for he shall be thrust down to hell" is actually a Book of Mormon reference and not a bible reference, and completely confusing my students with it. And then I allowed my fourth period class to use one of the advent candles for a lab experiment. If I were a Catholic, I'd totally be going to hell. Maybe I still am.

sometimes i think my students are funny

and sometimes I don't.

Like yesterday, when I was leaning over Tony's desk helping him with a chemistry problem, and he informed me that my sweater was unbuttoned. And then I panicked because I suddenly had 6 teenaged boys staring at me and I seriously thought I was flashing all of them. But then I looked down and saw that I was wearing a sweater that came all the way up to my neck, but had flaps with buttons on them that were not really meant to be buttoned, and I realized that he was (1) making fun of my sweater, and (2) thinking that it was really funny that he made me panic.

And then Mikey wanted me to button the flaps over my head, because he thought it would look really cool.

Sure, sure. That's a great idea, Mikey.

halleluiah!

I kicked a student out of my class today. Not a good day.

But I am DONE until after Thanksgiving. I have never been so ready for a break. HOORAH!!!

for future reference

If you ever think your shower is clogged, and you keep pouring drain-o down the drain to relieve the clogging, and when that doesn't help, you call your apartment complex to come check out the problem, and call your friend to see if maybe you could borrow his shower for the night, before you do any of this, first check to make sure you haven't accidentally flipped the switch that closes the drain. It will save you a lot of embarrassment. Trust me. Because people will laugh at you. A lot. And they just might wonder how you ever made it this far in life, and you really don't want that to happen.

a bad morning

My alarm went off at 5:30 this morning. As usual. Which meant that it was still dark outside, which meant that I couldn't really see anything in my room. Which also meant that I didn't realize how close I was to the edge of the bed. Which meant that when I tried to crawl to the end of my bed to turn off the alarm, I fell off and landed flat on my head.

So then I decided that nobody should ever start their morning off by falling on their head, so I called a do-over and got right back into bed to try again. I had much better success the second time around.

But this whole experience reminded me of the time that a person I once knew was pretending to be nine years old and kept calling do-overs. But then I thought "Hey, maybe he's not pretending!"

But my do-over helped. I had a great day.

ways to irritate me

Cheat in my class.

While I'm standing two feet away from you.

Pretend you were "only joking" about the cheating.

Argue that since you hadn't actually turned the assignment in yet, it's really not cheating.

Throw a fit when I give you and the friend who was cheating with you a zero on the assignment anyway.

Glare at me all class. (Okay, so maybe I found this part slightly amusing. Because if you think that I'm concerned whether or not you like me, you are WRONG. So it's pretty funny watching you try to annoy me.)

this is my school

This is my building. My classroom is hidden behind the trees.
This is where the nuns used to live. It's now been converted into classrooms and offices.
This is the gym/cafeteria building. And the senior parking lot, with reserved spaces that parents pay up to TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS for their children to park in. (They're sold at an annual fundraising auction.)

Looks like fun, huh?

study hall

I sorely disappointed my study hall students today by:

(1) not letting them have class outside,
(2) informing them that possibly the worst thing I've ever done is skip school a couple times, and
(3) pointing out, when they thought that "she's such a little Catholic school girl" was a really clever insult, that they were all currently sitting in a Catholic school, wearing Catholic school uniforms, and doing Catholic school homework, which just might classify them as Catholic school girls.

Yes, they love me.

And then Sam wanted to hear my "wildest" high school story, to which Emily responded "well, she read this really good book once, and then told her friends about it." I think she was making fun of me. Not exactly the way to convince me that we should have study hall outside.

Staying after school for an hour to scrub my lab tables, however, is an excellent start.

more quiz answers

Question: What is lattice energy?
Answer: I don't remember talking about lettuce during class.

Question: Explain what factors affect the geometry of a molecule.
Answer: This isn't geometry class.

Question: Explain why metals can conduct electricity.
Answer: Oh, gosh. It was on the review sheet, but I just don't remember.

Question: Define ionic bonding.
Answer: Ionic is when one atom steals an electron from another. Yes, he's selfish.

Question: Write the electron configuration for the most common ion of the following elements.
Answer: I hate hard tests!

Question: Why do atoms generally form bonds?
Answer: Well, it has something to do with chemistry, I think.

Question: Draw the Lewis Structure for the following molecules
Answer: I need to think of something funny to say so you'll be in a good mood when you grade this.

Quiz answer

"The electrons feel up the orbitals"

My response: Um, really? That's interesting...

comments made by students

Tony: Um, Ms. Reed? Is there such thing as plaigarism on a quiz?
Uh, is there something you want to tell me, Tony?

Josh (when, five minutes before class ended, he had only answered one question on his quiz, because he clearly did not study and was not prepared): I'll just come in tomorrow morning and finish it.
Yeah. Right.

Spurgeon (as the answer to quiz question #3): Come on, Ms. Reed, this is so obvious. You've explained it so many times.
Well, halleluiah, someone's been listening to me!! Maybe you should share that answer with Josh.

Spurgeon (on the way to St Joseph's for mass): Ms. Reed, I can't walk any farther. It is too hot out here.
Me: Well, then take your coat off, Spurgeon.
Spurgeon: I can't take this jacket off. It's POLO.
And no, he was not joking.

state champs

I spent the evening at our boy's State Championship soccer game. (Which my school won, by the way. We are 20-0 for the season, and are now nationally ranked.) Highlights of the night included hearing our campus minister, whose job description mainly involves being warm and fuzzy, yell at the refs, being asked if Chad was my brother, watching the officials try to clear the fans off of the field after the game so they could begin the award ceremony, and watching James pretend not to see me because he still insists on acting five years old. So I flirted with his roommate, because if he's allowed to be five years old, then so am I. I'm so mature.

Oh, and I also rather enjoyed making fun of Brady, one of my funniest students, as he ran around like a madman in a swim cap, spandex body suit, with blue and gold paint all over himself. I'd say that all-around, we are a pretty classy group. Go, Cavs, go.

how embarrassing

Today during physics class, the sweetest little freshman boy I teach accidentally hit me in the rear end with a wad of paper. I have never seen a child turn so red so fast. Which made me laugh so hard I couldn't even get mad at him.

maybe a little gross....

Introductions:

Me - very funny. very clever.

Heather - Fellow teacher. Thinks I am very funny and very clever.

Ron - My department head. Doesn't so much think I am very funny and very clever. About 65 years old. Has been teaching at this school for 35 years now. Which means that he has taught some of my student's parents. And once taught physics to the school's current physics teacher.

The conversation:

Me: Hey, Ron. Heather and I found a lab we're going to do in Chemistry on Halloween. It's called Playing with Polymers.

Ron: How much is it going to cost?

Me: It's going to be really fun. They make four different kinds of slime, and run some simple tests on the polymers.

Ron: What supplies do you need?

Me: Look, they call the slimes Boogers, Goobers, Gook, and Ooblek. Funny, huh?

Ron: What supplies do they need to make the boogers?

Me: Hehe. Well, I think just a finger and a nose.

Heather: Hehe.

Ron (Pausing long enough to let me know just how dumb he thought that comment was): So how much is this going to cost?

Me: Hehe. Uh, so I was joking about the finger and the nose thing....

Ron: Right. So how much will this lab cost?

I feel so unappreciated.

dear person who found my blog by searching for "plan pink poodle party,"

Hey, I want to come!!!

Please?

Love,
Poodle

And does anybody know how to tell a parent that their child is failing your class because they don't do any work and don't pay attention during class and pretty much don't do anything, and probably that's because they're overindulged at home, and still reassure them that you are delighted to be teaching their son/daughter and are so excited to see them succeed this year, and oh, boy, they have so much potential, and they must really be a great parent to raise such a delightful child?

Cause that's what I get to do today. And after 25 parents, I'm getting GOOD.

the answer you've all been waiting for

I finally had to admit that I failed "stump the teacher" and ask Leah the answer to the riddle. Because it was driving me crazy, and apparently was driving "anonymous crazy as well.

So here it is. The letters in the foods he can eat can spell other words (beard, team, etc.) and the foods he can't eat cannot spell other words.

Now, wasn't that obvious?

Yeah.

Now here's another. All of the trees outside of a cabin are tilted in one direction. Everyone inside the cabin is dead. Why? (It has nothing to do with a natural disaster.)

the other day in physics:

Joseph: Hey, Ms. Reed. The Astros are down by two games, you know...

Me: Yeah, so remind me, Joseph. Who beat the Braves?

Joseph: Shut up.

Me: No, I'm serious. I really don't remember who beat them. But since you're their biggest fan, I thought you would keep track of that kind of thing.

Joseph: Angry silence.

Hehe. I'm evil. But he forgave me enough to show me pictures of himself playing with a remote-control car with some of the Braves players. What a good sport.

dear person who found my blog by searching for "off his flexibility",

Um, I'm just not sure what to think of you.

But welcome to my blog.

Love,
Poodle


Dear person who found my blog by searching for "pink poodle bedroom",

I'm not sure that's the best idea ever. Unless maybe you're 5.

Love,
Poodle


Dear person who found my blog by searching for "treats for poodles",

We like Snickers. And Butterfingers, and just about any kind of pie.

And Nerds.

And hot fudge brownie sundaes, as long as the brownie is hot and has lots of nuts in it.

If you need any more ideas, just let me know.

Love,
Poodle

Dear person who found my blog by searching for "ways to charm a woman,"

I have a feeling that if you're searching the internet for ideas, you may be in need of some serious help in this department.

But that's what I'm here for. To serve you. Maybe I can give you some pointers.

Best of luck,
Poodle

Dear Bethany,

Hi. Thanks for finding some cute outfits for mom to buy me. You are the best.

All my love,
Poodle

Dear Mabel,

Welcome to the family (soon). Be sure to tell grandma that you want her to buy me pretty things. You're the first grandchild. She'll do anything you say.

Work your charm, little one!

Love from your favorite aunt,
Poodle

we have ourselves a winner

I would like to congratulate Paul, who is officially the winner of the "worst first date line" award.

I am sure that he put a lot of effort into this line, as there were several in the competition, all of which are worthy of such an honor. But Paul takes it, with the following:

"You know, we really should live like bees. The females do all the work, and the males just sit around and mate all day."

Charming.

okay, so i was wrong

my date wasn't last night. it's tonight. in about five minutes. and i'm making him go to my school's football game with me.

and i have another one tomorrow night. with a different boy this time. i'm dreading it. i used to be so good at turning boys down. what's happening to me?!?!

i need help.

riddle

a man can eat bread, meat, spinach, pears, and cream.

he cannot eat fish, soup, apples, or pizza. why???

i need to know by tomorrow so i don't COMPLETELY lose the game of "stump the teacher" that we played at the end of physics today.

because i already didn't know that emmitt smith accumulated 18,000 rushing yards in his career. or the names of all the caesars that they are apparently learning in their history class right now. so i need to redeem myself.

i have a date on thursday

so what should i wear?

and can anyone think of any good first-date conversation topics? cause he's pretty quiet, and thus far i have been the main carrier of conversation. so i need something good.

bumbling

yesterday in class:

Me: Tony, could you not be how about you are you not talking?

Tony: What did you say?

Me: I have no idea.

hard numbers

0: number of A's earned by my fifth-period class this quarter. also the number of students i have made cry

1: number of times i have done laundry in the two and a half months I've lived here. also the number of times i have gone to bed before midnight. also the number of piggly-wigglys i have encountered.

2: number of labs involving M&M's i have come up with

5: number of students who failed my class this quarter

7: number of times i have danced in front of my class

8: number of times i have changed the seating chart in my first-period class

9: length of my sunday nap three weeks ago, in hours

10: time that i went to bed for the night after waking up from said 9 hour nap at 9:30

25: total number of compliments i have received on my shoes from my students

30: number of times i have tripped over backpacks

70: number of times my students have "accidentally" turned on the gas valves during class

80: number of students i teach

100: percentage of times i have asked for directions and heard the phrase "you're going to pass a really big baptist church"

bored

I've been trying all week to think of things to write about, and have come up with nothing. Mainly because my students really just haven't been that entertaining lately. And since they are my sole source of entertainment, that means that I have nothing funny to say.

Unless I want to write about when my seventh-period class was playing a review game. The first team wanted their team name to be Ultimate Frisbee, so I wrote UF on the board for short. So the other team thought it would be pretty clever to be Fun University, so I would write FU on the board. And I fell for it, too, much to their delight.

And then I went to Utah this weekend and saw my friend Phil and realized that I haven't done a good job of keeping in touch with anybody since I started working. Except for Wendy, who emails me throughout the day.

And then I remembered that I'm going to DC this weekend, just for fun. So that when my students ask me what I do for fun, I have something to say besides "tell funny stories about you guys." They'll be thrilled.

And that is the end of my story.

i'm going where?

Fifth period today:

Mikey (by far my wittiest student): How about we watch a movie today?
Me: We will never watch a movie in my class.
Mikey: Why not?
Me: Because we're here to learn Chemistry!
Mikey: I bet you watched movies in your chemistry class in high school.
Me: No, I've never watched a single movie in any chemistry class I've taken.
Mikey: Ms. Reed, I hope you know you go to hell for a year for every lie you tell.

Later in the class:

Me: Mikey, are you playing games on your calculator?
Mikey: No, of course not. I'm listening to you.
Me: You know, you go to hell for a year for every lie you tell. Keep that in mind.
Mikey: Did you just tell me I'm going to hell?
Me: Yes, I think I did.
Mikey: Ms. Reed, this is a Catholic school. You can't say something like that. (Ha!)


During fourth period:

The class thought it would be pretty fun today to find out the worst thing I've ever done.

Luckily the worst thing I ever did was skip school once in high school.

I'm pretty sure they were disappointed with that answer.

this is REALLY why i love my job

I laugh a lot at my students, and they laugh at me. We have fun in class, and they provide many entertaining stories for my friends and blog-readers. I make fun of the boys for hitting on the pretty girl who is clearly not interested, and they make fun of me for showing up at the homecoming game without a date.

However, the REAL reason I love my job is because of this email I received today from our Academic Support specialist:

Hey, Brittany:

You may have already received a call from Laura, mother of 8th grader Catherine. Catherine is an Academic Student of mine and is having an awful first quarter. I told her mom to contact you about helping her out after school. I believe you would be wonderful for her. She needs afternoon supervision and motivation to complete her assignments and prepare for exams. Mom is working in Atlanta and is driving back and forth and the parents are going through a divorce. I hope you can work something out to help her.

Thanks.

Martha

And because of Justin, one of my chemistry students who was intentionally failing at the beginning of the year, and is now making a B in my class, and who informed me last week that my class is the only one he is doing well in and the only one he never causes trouble in. He stops by my freshman physics class during his lunch break just to say hi, and wrote a lab summary on his last lab report (which was not required) and insisted that I read it before starting started class because he was so proud of how well he had done.

I don't think I'll ever get tired of my job.

i had so much fun making up this physics quiz....

I hope my students appreciate my humor. Here are a few sample questions from my quiz (based on actual classroom events):

1. When the entire sixth-period physics class simultaneously drops its pens on the floor, it produces a sound with a 30-dB rating. If the sound of the entire class dropping their books on the floor is 1000 times more intense than the pens dropping, find the decibel rating of the books falling. (Don't try it....)
2. A certain physics student sees a cockroach in the classroom, and lets out a high-pitched scream. If the student’s scream has a wavelength of .57 meters and the speed of sound in air is 345 meters/second, what is the frequency of the scream?
3. The cheerleaders at the football game want the entire stadium to hear their cheers. A person on the front row is 3 meters away from them and can hear them with an intensity of 100 W/m^2. If the lowest intensity that a human can detect is .75W/m^2, how far away can a person be sitting and still know that when they yell blue, he yells gold?
   

I have lots of cheerleaders in my class. I hope they know just how funny I am. Hehe.

did anyone see oprah yesterday?

because my students seem to think that i look like the girl who was on the show yesterday.

and now i'm curious to see what she looks like.

sympathy

yesterday, one of my students walked into class looking a little distraught. this is the conversation that ensued:

Me: Collin, you look like you're walking to your death.
Collin: I know, Ms. Reed.
Me: Why? Chemistry isn't that bad, is it?
Collin: No. But my parents just bought me a brand new BMW 530.
Me: Go sit down. You will receive no sympathy from me after starting a complaint with that statement.
Colln: But if I don't do good in this class they might take it away.
Me: Um, how are you doing in English?
Collin: Huh?
Me: Never mind....
Collin: So how's my grade?
Me: Well, you didn't turn in your lab report. And you didn't study for your last quiz. Did you study for the quiz you have today?
Collin: No....
Me: Now, if you would like to donate that brand-new BMW to the poor Chemistry teacher help fun, then maybe we can talk.
Collin: Ms. Reed, I'm not giving you my car!
Me: Then go sit down. When you're ready to reconsider my offer, let me know.

Yes, I take bribes.

i can't believe this!

I've gotten used to students changing the subject so that I'll talk about something besides Chemistry. And if they make me laugh, it works really well. But today they tried this:

Chris: Ms. Reed, I didn't think I was going to like you the first day of class.
Rachel: Yeah. Me, either.
Chris: I thought you were going to be MEAN.
Casey: I liked you because you dressed cute.
Christina: Hehe. Hehe. (That's about the most I can ever get out of her)
Chris: But you're not mean. You're pretty nice now! Why did you have to be mean at first?

I am SO not mean. I'm nice. So so nice.

selective hearing

Sometimes I make the mistake of forgetting that teenagers have selective hearing. So when you tell them that you'll sing for them if they get through all of the material you had planned for that day, all they hear is "I'll sing at the end of class." And then you will never hear the end of it. And every day they will remind you that you still need to sing for them. And that they would really like for you to freestyle rap.

And when you tell them one time three weeks ago that they get to do a fire lab, and then remind them every single day that they have a quiz on Tuesday, and write it on the board and on the assignment sheet you handed out to them, they will still come into class on Tuesday surprised that you're handing out a quiz. But they will still ask every single day when they get to do the fire lab you mentioned once three weeks ago.

And when you tell them specifically to read the directions to their quiz, because on the directions you write "if you do not know the answer, simply put your name in the blank and you will receive full credit for the question" because you know perfectly well that nobody reads anything you give them and nobody listens to anything you tell them, every single student except for three still fails the quiz. But at least they now read the directions.

dynamite girl

It's homecoming week at my school. The theme is "Superheroes". So the students assigned each faculty member a superhero that fits them the best that they are supposed to "be" all week.

I am Dynamite Girl. And this is what I found about Dynamite girl:

http://dynamitegirl.net/aboutdg.html

Gee, I'm flattered....

yeah, right

Today one of my students asked me if I would go to the homecoming dance with him.

My reply: Yeah, right.

And then four different boys asked me for my phone number. So they can ask for help on their lab reports.

My reply: Yeah, right.

And then they asked if I would consider giving multiple-choice tests. Or at least consider making the class a little easier.

My reply: Yeah, right.

shout it out

I think my voice has increased several decibels since I started teaching. Because my classroom is huge, my students are loud, and my voice is (was) soft. And so I spend eight hours of my day shouting so that when my students don't listen to me at least they can't use the "I couldn't hear you" excuse. It forces them to be a little more creative and come up with reasons like "well, Ms. Reed, your shirt is really cool today, and I was thinking about how much I liked it so I missed your explanation of our lab." And I love flattery and firmly believe that cleverness should be rewarded, so I repeat myself yet again.

But I've started to notice that I now feel the need to shout everything I say. It doesn't even feel like I'm shouting. I yelled at a man at the mall last week when he asked me how I was. And then he looked confused because I was smiling and telling him how fantastic I am, but relayed the information in a terrifyingly loud voice. And then I yelled at the man who opened a dressing room for me at the Gap. And at Tony, the student that I ran into at Kroger.

So the conclusion I've come to is that I need a vacation. A quiet one during which I can whisper and still be heard. And have my own personal chef (aka my mom) so that I eat something better than peanut M&M's for dinner. And get more than 4 hours of sleep a night. And have my own personal maid (aka my mom) to wash my clothes and clean up after me. And buy me nice things. And I think that's all I need.

hot

Yesterday, I received five separate compliments on my shoes. All from five separate male students.

And I'm pretty sure that one of those compliments involved the word "hot". Although he muttered that under his breath when he thought I was no longer listening.

I'm pretty sure I won't be wearing those shoes again any time soon.

Dear Mom,

Mother: "1. Mother - Kasey Chambers"

Listen to this song. It makes me think of you.

And make sure your speakers are plugged in. And turned on.

Love,
Poodle

Dear side-by-side washer/dryer combination that my parents want to buy me for my birthday,

I'm really excited to meet you. So excited, in fact, that I haven't done any laundry in the past three weeks because I just want to save it all up for you. And when I run out of clean anything, I simply buy more of that anything. For you. Because I know that you can't wait to wash my clothes even more than I can't wait for you to wash my clothes.

Do you think I can make it to November without washing anything? I'm willing to bet I can.

Love,
Poodle

another conversation during chemistry

Rachel: Hey, Ms. Reed. My mom thinks you're really smart. She was talking about you last night after she met you.
Me: Hey, I think your mom's smart!

dear boy who followed me home from church on sunday,

Please don't do that. Thanks.

Brittany

--

Dear parents I met at parent's night last night,

Thank you for only pointing out once how young I look.

Ms. Reed

--

Dear bed,

I'm sorry I haven't been able to spend much quality time with you lately. I promise we can hang out a lot this weekend. But absence makes the heart grow fonder.

All my love,
Poodle

--

Dear food that requires any preparation whatsover,

I'm sorry, but I just don't think our relationship is working out. You are way too demanding and simply ask for too much of my time. It makes me feel smothered.

Regretfully,
Poodle

--

Dear teacher who scared my entire physics class and made one girl cry,

I did not invite you into my classroom. You are terrifying to freshmen. We had to have a mini therapy session after you left. Thanks a lot.

Ms. Reed

--

Dear poodlereed.blogspot.com,

Happy birthday. It's been a fantastic year.

All my Love,
Poodle

--

a chemistry lesson

by Ms. Reed

Me: As we demonstrated yesterday in our lab, Dalton's atomic theory states that atoms cannot be created or destroyed.
Ryan: Is that really true?
Me: Yes.
Ryan: And all matter is composed of atoms?
Me: Yes, that's the first statement from Dalton's theory.
Ryan: So people are made of atoms?
Me: Yes.
Ryan: Okay, well, what about when babies grow? Are atoms made then?
Me: Nope.
Ryan: Well, then, where do babies come from?

Followed by much laughter from his classmates. And from me. Luckily he's a good sport.

Me: Well, Ryan, that is a discussion for another time.

i'm a teacher?

If any of my physics students have wondered whether I'm really old enough to be teaching high school, I think they got their answer yesterday.

When I told them they could play the last ten minutes of class if somebody got up and danced in front of the whole class. Which somebody did.

And when I let the boys compete to see who could chug the most Sprite. And had a great conversation with the girls about shoe shopping.

But in my defense, I made sure they had all finished their work. And they're way ahead of the other classes because they're so darned smart. And always pay attention during class.

And I at least made the boys say "excuse me" when they belched after their chugging contest. And I would not allow belching to become a part of the contest.

I have things under control. Totally.

people like me...

James: (Only joking, of course. And thinking he's really funny, as usual.) I tried to get Brittany to stop calling me, but she won't. I keep hanging out with her cause I'm such a nice person.
BJ: James, if that's the truth, you are a complete fool.

Friend #2: I never edit my thoughts. For anybody. I always say whatever I think. But after knowing you for only five minutes, I'm already careful about what I say around you. And that speaks worlds about your character.

And this is why I love my friends.

just a hint....

in case anyone finds themselves in this situtation. If you are teaching a class full of freshmen boys and wearing a dress, be very careful not to walk over the air conditioning vent. You can figure out why....

phrases i hear most often....

No, Ms. Reed. We LIKE Physics. Really, we do.

You're a teacher? You don't look old enough to be a teacher.

What?! This isn't my assigned seat? You mean you didn't sit me next to my girlfriend? Why not?

Can I go to the bathroom? No? How about my locker? NO?! How about the office? NO?!?!

Hey, do these gas lines work?... Oh. I guess they do.

Ms. Reed? If you just tell me the answer to this first quiz problem, I can get all the rest of them. Please? Just the first one?

What do you mean you don't give multiple choice tests? Do you hate us? Are you just TRYING to be mean? (Yes. Yes, I am.)

what exactly are you saying?

Cecilia: Um, Ms. Reed? I have a question.
me: Yes, Cecilia?
Cecilia: Are you married?
me: No, I'm not.
her: Oh. I didn't think you were. So I think you should date my uncle.
me: Oh? How old is your uncle?
her: He's 28. He just got married.
me: Um, well that's kind of a problem.
her: Yeah, but I don't like his wife. I think he should date you instead.

Exactly what kind of impression am I giving these kids? Sometimes I wonder....

dear andrew,

Yes, it is perfectly okay if you call me Master Reed.

Excuse me, did you hear that class? Everyone listen up. Andrew just asked me if it's okay if you all call me Master. The answer is yes. It would, in fact, be very beneficial to you to do so.

Brown-nosing is perfectly acceptable behavior in my class.

Thanks,
Ms. Reed

how could i forget...

to tell you about my first day of school? It went something like this:

5:00 am: Wake up. Do not go back to sleep, because, even though it's still dark outside, it is in fact time to get up. And will be for the next nine months.

6:30 am: Admire my cute new first-day-of-school outfit one more time before heading out the door.

7:00 am: Arrive at school. Run off copies of my syllabus and organize myself for the day. Run into the bathroom at least 3 times because I'm so nervous.

8:05 am: My first class starts. Marvel at how well my "when the door is shut, so is your mouth" line worked. (James taught me that one.) Realize that I actually have my students attention and they're looking to me for instructions. Stay calm.

8:10 am: Blow up a bottle that shoots yellow foam all over the classroom. Remind myself not to wear my favorite outfits on lab days. Somehow tie the scientific method into this explosion.

8:20 am: Catch a plate on fire. Convince my students that this is exactly what's supposed to happen, because good teaching is really just pretending you're in control and know exactly what's going on.

1:00 pm: Teach my first physics class. Realize that I love freshmen mainly because they're too scared to do anything but listen to me and answer my questions. Assign them homework on the first day, because I know they'll all do it and turn it in on time, and this may be the only time this happens all year.

2:00 pm: Tell Danny that no, I do not actually want to call him Big D. But thanks for the suggestion. I think I'll stick with Danny.

3:15 pm: Officially end my first day as a high school teacher.

3:20 pm: Receive a text message from James wondering how my first day went.

3:21 pm: Begin planning for my second day as a high school teacher.

1:30 am: Go to bed. Start over the next day.

meet my students (just a few of them)

Casey: Yes, Casey, I'm sure the boys all like you. But that's not exactly what I had in mind when I asked you to tell me something about yourself.

Ross: You're my favorite. I'd totally be your friend if I were still in high school. But don't tell anyone.

Chris: No, it's not okay if you sit next to your girlfriend in class. And yes, I see the faces you make during my lectures. And no, it doesn't phase me. Which is probably why we get along so well.

Lissa: I'm pretty sure you're a younger version of me. Way to go.

Alex: Yes, I see your hand up. Waving it around isn't going to make me notice it any more. I'm ignoring it.

Matt: It was great running into you at Chick-Fil-A. Thanks for waving.

yeah, that's right...

me: (in reference to the fact that I live in middle Georgia, it's August, and I'm opening my windows to cool my apartment - aka my air conditioning is broken) I am SO HOT.

James: (in reference to me) Yeah, you are so hot.

This is why we're friends.

The end.

very very scary

Last night, a man came into our school and attacked one of the female faculty members with a knife.

And he climbed in through my classroom window.

All I can say is, I'm glad I had already gone home.

overheard conversation

token I-have-so-much-experience-because-I've-been-out-of-high-school-for-a-whole-3-months-now-and-have-so-much-worldly-knowledge-but-am-so-kind-as-to-impart-said-knowledge-on-my-lowly-high-school-aged-friends teenager: So, I'm going to marry Jeff's wife.

lowly high-school aged friend: Haha.

experienced teenager: No, I'm not kidding. Jeff, like, wants to marry his girlfriend, but he has this wife so he needs to find someone to take his place as her husband. So he's giving her to me. And who better for the job than me?

friend:.....

teenager: Yeah. And did you know that I'm a legend at my school? I'm, like, by far the fastest cross-country runner they've ever had. So, yeah. I'm, like, a legend.

You have GOT to be kidding me. But no. No, he's not kidding me. He is, in fact, very serious about such matters. Because, you know, he's not in high school anymore and therefore has a Really. Important. Life.

Dear parents of my students,

You know that parking spot you sometimes like to park in? You know, the one in the faculty parking lot? The one with a big number 34 written on it? Yes, that one. There's a reason that number is there. Because it's mine. You know, the lady who educates your children? Don't try to deny it. I know it's you parking in my spot. It couldn't possibly be one of my colleagues. You know why? Because that car costs more than most of us will make in the next two years. Yes, that's why. So please be so kind as to move so I can park instead of driving in circles waiting for you to come back. Thanks. You're the greatest.

Sincerely,

Ms. Reed

ps - your kids are pretty great.

back to school

It turns out that you learn lots of things as a teacher, too. Like how four-inch heels get really uncomfortable if you're standing in front of a class all day. And how going to bed at 1:30 and waking up at 5:00 every single morning with no break during the day gets tiring and spending any amount of time with the one friend I've made means I'll probably only be getting 2 hours of sleep instead of my usual 4.

I have also learned the fine art of pretending I'm tough and totally know what's going on. And by seventh period, I have perfected that art. And that freshmen (at least for the first week of school) have not yet developed the I'm too good for this just tell me what I'm going to need to know for the test attitude that the upperclassmen all seem to have, making them absolutely delightful to teach. I love freshmen.

And my job is pretty fun. Just so you know.

some book reviews

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: D I couldn't finish it. BO-ring. The point of the book seemed to be to let us know how brilliant the author thought himself to be and explain why he's the only person who really understands anything. Get real.

A Separate Peace: A Beautifully written. It will keep your attention and Knowles does a fantastic job of portraying the thoughts and emotions of the main character. Read it.

Dandelion Wine: A- A book portraying the changes taking place one summer in a young boy's life. While its purpose is accomplished well, and the writing is great, the story can be disjointed at times.

A Tale of Two Cities A Brilliant story, very well written. However, if you don't like descriptive authors, this may not be for you.

Patron Saint of Liars B- While the book kept my attention and I enjoy Patchett's writing style, the storyline bothered me. I was never able to relate or even sympathize with the main character, and therefore felt very detached from the book instead of absorbed in it.

it's official

I have friends here.

Yay!

so, yesterday

as I was learning how to enrich my home, family and personal life through the use of good, clean website, a woman, one I had not yet met or even seen, approached me (chased me down):

Lady: Brittany!! It's Brittany isn't it?
me: Yes. Have I met you?
Lady: No. But I noticed you don't have a ring on your finger.
me: Yeah. So did I.
Lady: So you're not married.
me: No.
Lady: Or engaged?
me: No.
Lady: I have a son.
me: Okay...
Lady: He's 26. And very nice. And cute. Come here. Let's go around the corner. I don't want anyone to see me doing this....
me: Doing what?
Lady: Just come here.
me: Okay...
Lady: (pulling a packet of pictures out of her wallet) Well, here he is. I told you he was cute.
me: Oh.
Lady: I'm going to tell him you're single.
me: um...
Lady: Okay. See ya!
me: Alrighty. It's been fun.

day two

Even better than the first.

The morning consisted of consuming an unhealthy amount of donuts and only half listening to the biohazard lecture because Chad and I were passing notes. I then received numerous teaching tips, including the infamous "never smile before Christmas" (pretty sure I'll break that rule), after which Theresa suggested I practice making stern faces in the mirror at home because she's concerned I'm incapable of looking mean. She's probably right.

At lunch, I made the mistake of sitting with the religion faculty, and therefore lost a greuling game of Name That Saint. They did, however, invite me to have dinner with them tomorrow night, probably because they're concerned for my lack of saintly knowledge. I was then mocked by my male colleagues for thinking that "it's on sale" is a good reason to buy something.

I spent my afternoon hiding in my classroom talking to Ashleigh instead of working on lesson plans like I should have been. We then went to a brief meeting during which they strongly encouraged us to find conferences to attend (at the school's expense, of course.) I spent the remainder of the afternoon researching conferences in Hawaii.

i think i love my job

Yes, I'm pretty sure I do. Some of my co-workers include:

Theresa: She's one of my favorites already, mainly because she wants to set me up with a British soccer coach who lives in my complex. I think I can handle that.

Robyn: NOTE TO ROBYN: EASE UP ON THE CAFFEINE. You scare me. And when I said nobody intimidates me, I was lying to get on your good side. But thanks for giving me the outline for your syllabus. SUCKER!

Ashleigh: The new athletic trainer. Very nice, very southern. Can't understand a word she says. But I think I'm already developing a southern accent just from spending 3 hours with her.

Chad: Cute. Nice. Smart. Loves to read. We can be friends.

Kari: The school's perkiest teacher. By far. I'm loving her.

Lee: NOTE TO LEE: Take a deep breath and sit down. You're teaching sixth graders. And just because Katy said she wanted us to introduce ourselves and tell how we got here does not mean anybody cares where you went to middle school. Or how old you were when your family moved down south. Or about the summer jobs you had during college.

Mr. Librarian: Can't remember his name, but he's dull. And now I know that if I have a problem of any kind, the library is not the place to go for help.

Me: Delightful. Charming. Everyone's favorite teacher. Does a bang-up job of pretending she knows what she's doing. Has everyone fooled.

This is going to be fun.

here's a good story

Once upon a time, people thought I was smart.
Now it's up for debate.
The end.

ps - I cannot be the only person who didn't know that "buggy" means shopping cart and not an Amish car. Or who couldn't figure out how to get out of the furniture store. Seriously.

note to neighbor:

When your live-in girlfriend is mad at you and has packed up her car and is sobbing in the driver's seat, forcing me to pretend to clean out my car so I can find out what's going on, yelling at her is probably not the best way to get her to come back inside.

Oh, wait. Never mind. It worked.

But you're a jerk.

Jerk.

JERK!!

i found my first georgia friend today

I don't know his name, though. That's because we haven't met yet. But that's okay, because we will, and when we do, we will be friends. He lives in my complex, and is hot hot hot. So of course we'll be friends. I'm sure we'll have something in common, and if not, I'll make something up.

Sure, I can like motorcycles.

Or Mariocart.

Or NASCAR.

No, wait. Maybe not NASCAR. I think I'll have to draw the line there.

This is going to be fun!

hi, mom!!

You're pretty sneaky, huh??

But I'm sneakier.

Love,
Poodle

ps - Thanks for the money. And my life. You're a star.

i'm leaving on a midnight train to georgia

Okay, so maybe a 7 am car ride to Georgia, but I wish it were a midnight train, cause there's no song about a car ride. I think I'll miss State College. I'm getting sad. It feels kind of like the aftermath of a breakup. Except for the fact that it was my decision to leave. And that I feel really loved, because everyone's sad to see me go. And that I'm excited about what's happening next. And I haven't heard a single reason somebody doesn't want to be with me anymore, because, guess what?! Everybody wishes I were staying. So maybe it's nothing like breaking up. Huh.

But I would like to send out a special thanks to Wendy, for carrying all of the heavy suitcases and fitting almost everything into my car. And to Steve, for turning his phone off so I got his voice mail when I called him to come help. And Caitlin, for graciously letting me give her the table that wouldn't fit in my car.

the great baby race

Now two of my sisters are pregnant. Yay!!!

And I get to be the nanny. And the favorite aunt. And the official baby gift buyer. And the nursery decorator. And baby name approver. And baby gender secret keeper.

Wow. That's a lot of responsibility for me. This is going to be so much fun!!

boy, my family loves me

excerpts from past conversations:

the kind doctor who took out my wisdom teeth: Wow, Brittany is really funny. She kept me laughing all day.
my dear sweet mother: Are you sure?
doctor: Yes, why?
mom: You're sure it's Brittany? She's usually not very funny.



me: So I hear you're dating someone.
sister: Yeah. His name's Marshall. He's really hot.
me: What's he like?
sister: He actually reminds me a lot of you.
me: Really? That's exciting.

three weeks later:
sister: So, I broke up with Marshall.
me: Why? He was so hot.
sister: Yeah, he was. But he had no personality.
me: Huh....

countdown

I'm moving in just five days.

And I start my job in twelve days.

And school starts in nineteen days.

YAY!!!

Although I am sad that the prank war we started last night will have to end when I leave. Because there just aren't many good pranks that can be mailed long-distance.

she's what we call "easily distracted"

My baby sister ran in the Pioneer Day 10-k yesterday in Salt Lake.

And this reminded me of the last time she ran in a race, when, halfway through, she decided to stop for a sno-cone along the way.

He he. She is so funny.

But really, who doesn't love sno-cones? I do. And what better time to eat one than when you're hot and tired?

today is a special day

Because it's Katie's birthday. And she makes me laugh.

Although Katie and I passed frequently on campus freshman year, we never officially met until our sophomore year, when she walked into our math class on the first day, looked at me and said "Oh. It's you." I immediately liked her because she sometimes complimented my clothes, she knew all of the homework answers, and thought our teacher was as crazy as I did. And did I mention that she makes me laugh?

One of my favorite memories of Katie was when one of our professors told a joke during class, and she was one of only 2 people in a class of over 50 students who laughed. Loudly. Then the rest of us laughed, but not necessarily at the joke.

And then there was the time we were in San Diego and spent a good 15 minutes gossipping about one of our friends because we thought he had gone to the gym and therefore was not in the house and could not overhear our conversation. He hadn't gone to the gym. And then, on this same trip, she somehow managed to fall asleep on the zoo bus.

And I hold her personally responsible for getting me a job, because she helped me pick out my interview outfit, and I'm pretty sure that's the reason they hired me. And when she came out to Penn State, we laughed at the engineer who works out for fun so that he could impress his girlfriend, and whose girlfriend had the same shoes as Katie, but whose girlfriend bought his girlfriend's shoes at Payless, not Nordstroms, and this same girlfriend really liked to dance, because she was his girlfriend, and who doesn't love to dance with their girlfriend?

BUT, although these are all fabulous memories, my absolute favorite thing about Katie, ever, is that, during our last semester of college, when I thought my sister hated me, she was the one and only person I talked to who actually made me feel better about it. Which, at the time, I wasn't sure was entirely possible. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

So happy birthday to Katie!

it always makes me giggle

when I remember how I once knew a girl named WINDY.

And how my mom knew a girl named ABCDE. (pronounced Ab suh dee).

And now my brother thinks it would be really funny to name his daughter Abcde. And his wife almost bought the idea.

I love them.

public service announcement

Just so everybody knows, it's not a great idea to wear your favorite pair of jeans while you're cleaning the bathroom. You know that pair that you love so much that as soon as you bought them every other pair was immediately demoted to the "grungy wear while you're camping" category? And then you immediately went out and stocked up on more pairs of the same brand and cut so that you could wear that same pair every single day? The pair that, no matter how often you wear them, you always get compliments on, and even though these compliments may inflate your ego more than it really needs to be, you love getting them anyway? Yeah. That pair. So don't wear them while you're cleaning the bathroom, because, you know all those chemicals that you have to wear rubber gloves to use? They don't care how great those jeans look, or how much you love them, they will bleach them. Just so you know.

Why might somebody be cleaning the bathroom in their favorite pair of jeans? Well, because. Haven't you ever found an outfit that you love so much you don't want to take it off, and you think maybe you'll sleep in it, because, even though nobody can see you while you're sleeping, you still know how great it looks and so you hold on to it as long as possible? And even long after you've let go of old loves and burned a few bridges and built some new ones and have even forgiven that blasted empanada from poisoning you, you still want to wear that outfit, it's just that fantastic? That's why.

Does this make me vain? Yes. Yes, it does.

flower power

I got flowers yesterday. Roses. Pink ones.

Yeah, I'm loved.

scare me silly

I love nightmares. With all of my heart and soul, I love them. And I'm certainly not afraid to admit it, because I've never really been one to love half-heartedly, so if I'm going to kind of like them, I may as well go all out and devote my whole heart and soul.

I had a truly fantastic nightmare last night and woke up feeling more rejuvenated than ever. I was vacationing in a foreign country that happened to be in the midst of a war, but I didn't care because I had already planned the vacation and was determined to go. There were men with guns threatening to kill me because they didn't like that I was leaning against the wall. And when I left to go back to my motorcycle (because apparently my subconscious thinks I love them) and realized that one of them had stolen my cell phone, I demanded that he give it back. I was just that brave.

So as I was lying in bed this morning thanking my subconscious for scaring me so badly, I decided that this fixation with nightmares must mean one of two things. Either

1) I am brave and live life with no fears, or

2) I'm kind of a wuss and the only time I allow any real danger into my life is while I'm asleep.

Huh. That second one is kind of disappointing.

begrudging

I've been holding a grudge for 2 months now. I'm usually incapable of staying angry for longer than a day, but I've made an exception in this case.

My favorite part of visiting a foriegn country is trying the local desserts everywhere I go. But, thanks to one poisoned empanada, I spent my last 4 days in Peru lying in bed and on the bathroom floor while Erin went on her own Peruvian dessert tour. I tried to make a Tres Leches cake today, but it's just not the same. It turns out that Americans aren't that good at making foriegn food. Which honestly came as a huge shock to me since the food from Los Hermanos and Chevys really tastes just exactly like what I ate in Mexico. (Insert sarcasm here.)

So, yeah, I'm still mad at that empanada. And I'm not planning on forgiving it anytime soon. So take that!

reasons i love my missionary sister

Honestly, how can you NOT love somebody who sends you letters that include the lines such as:

Just so you know, the ward mission leader out here has a zipping up his fly problem that is REALLY noticable.

We stay in Enterprise two nights a week and watch the old people clank their dentures while they talk to us.

The pathway to hell must be SO funny, cause you are on it and you are funny.

I like that you are going to hell. We can hang out there.

My companion and I are having a "wake up, you stoop doggy dog" discussion this week.

I'm going to kick his butt. Oops. I forgot to have charity again.

A man opened the door naked today. He was not very hot.

Sometimes I think of your letters while I'm on the toilet and it makes me laugh. That's embarrassing. Laughter from the bathroom is always weird.

I want to be my own butterfly.

Don't tell mom that all I want for Christmas is to see you, because then she won't send me presents.

That girl cracks me up.

a few conversations i've had

girl: So, are there any good Mexican restaurants in town, or is Taco Bell the only one?
me: Stunned silence that anyone would ever think Taco Bell is quality Mexican food. Or even Mexican food at all.

me: So how was your date last night?
girl: Pretty fun, I guess.
me: Well, did your date look hot?
girl: Uh, he looked okay. I looked really hot, though.

well, since everyone else is doing it...

ten random things about me:
1. I love looking at maps
2. I love shopping for shoes
3. I'm so excited to live with my sister next summer
4. I love my parent's dog almost as much as my dad does
5. I told my friend last night that I used to be serious and he laughed at me
6. I'm not very good at flirting
7. I once went an entire year without crying. That was a long time ago.
8. My feet are deformed from walking on my toes as a kid
9. I love playing memory games and speed scrabble
10. I held the arm hang record at my elementary school

nine places I've visited:
1. Brazil - all over
2. Peru - all over
3. Paris, France
4. Cancun, Cozumel, and Mexico City, MX
5. Roatan, Honduras
6. West Palm Beach and Orlando, FL
7. San Diego, CA
8. New England
9. Yellowstone/Grand Tetons

eight things I want to do before I die:
1. spend an entire summer driving all over the country visiting everything and everyone I know
2. raise a family
3. be able to identify every country in the world
4. live with my sister when we're old
5. always keep in touch with my friends
6. go to africa and asia
7. make amends for all wrongs I've ever done anybody
8. serve a mission

seven ways to win my heart:
1. make me laugh
2. love my family
3. recognize the best in me and encourage me to be that person
4. read to me
5. let me cry
6. want as many kids as I do
7. laugh at me a lot

six things I believe in:
1. eternal families
2. doing what's right is the only thing that matters
3. everybody has amazing potential for good. EVERYBODY
4. I am more loved than I can really understand
5. true love takes effort, but is always worth it
6. I couln't make it without prayer

five things I'm scared of:
1. failure
2. stagnating in my progression
3. hurting people, whether I love them or not
4. letting my family down
5. debt

four of my favorite items in my room:
1. my bookcase
2. pictures of my siblings
3. my skirts and shoes
4. my stack of old letters and notes

three things I do every day:
1. read
2. email friends and family
3. do my hair and makeup

two things I'm trying to do right now:
1. love the people that hurt me
2. figure out what colors to paint the walls in my new apartment

one person I want to see right now:
1. my big sister (I get to see Wendy tomorrow)

pictures from new hampshire

things i'll miss

when I leave State College in less than three weeks. (Yay!)

First and foremost, I will miss the Haiku Queen, and how she loves light-up flipflops as much as I do, and talking until six a.m. and then sleeping through my alarm in the morning. I will miss making her think that I'm the funniest person on the planet when I pretend to be a cheerleader (because that's just not something you can do over the phone) and going to Wegman's at 2 am to buy ice cream.

I will also miss the freedom of staying up until 6 a.m. reading a good book because I didn't have class on Tuesday or Thursday and could sleep in if I wanted. And the absolute breathtaking beauty of central Pennsylvania's Spring, Summer and Fall. And Wegman's salads. And the Waffle Shop. And Steve making dinner for me at least once a week. And Dane, the 4-year-old who loves to sit on my lap during primary and can read better than most 10-year-old kids I know. And the little girls who will interrupt my primary lesson to tell me how their pretty new purple dress matched the purple fireworks they saw last week. I will also miss the Sisters, who call me to go on exchanges with them simply because I keep them updated on all the ward gossip. I will mostly miss being the one who hears most of the gossip first. And I will miss being in the place that holds more memories than I thought I could accumulate in only 2 short years.

I will not, however, miss the frigid, snow-covered winters and how they can easily turn a 7-minute drive into a 45-minute drive, or sliding off the road at least 8 times during these drives. But I think that's the only thing I won't miss.

a conversation taking place last night

Dan: Allyson is quite the little flirt.
me: What do you mean?
Dan: Well, she and Jimmy were together, and then he moved and she already has a new man.
me: Really? Who?
Dan: Jacob.
me: Oh. I don't really see those two together.
Dan: Um... They're both four years old...
me: I know, but still... I just don't see it. I don't think that one will last long.
Dan: Okay. Right.

all in a day

Today I discovered that avocado ice cream is really good. And that my mom loves me enough to buy me an outfit when she sees one that she knows I would love. And that my roommate thinks I'm a fashion diva.

All in all, it's been a pretty good day.

isn't that great?

Thirty years ago, my mom proposed to my dad.

She's pretty gutsy.

Turns out I take after my dad.

oh, say can you see

The fourth of July weekend was fantastic. It consisted mainly of losing track of time and setting up camp in the dark, eating nothing but chocolate and cookies for 4 days, laughing at Wendy a lot, laughing at Steve even more, and getting a nice tan! I also hiked around New Hampshire's white mountains and pretended that it was warm enough to swim in New Hampshire's ocean.

We also watched an impressive fireworks show in Boston, where we also listened to the absolute worst rendition of The Star-Spangled Banner I have ever heard. You'd think a city as big a Boston could get somebody better than Big 'n Rich to sing our national anthem. You'd think...

I concluded the weekend with an interesting conversation with Steve about whether or not we should start dating. We came to no conclusion.

an actual conversation taking place at sonic

me: I'd like a medium flurry, please.
order-taking girl: Okay. What flavor would you like?
me: What flavors do you have?
girl: Every flavor.
me: Strawberry, then.
girl: We don't have strawberry.
me: Oh. Well, what do you have, then?
girl: All the flavors.
me: Okay... How about raspberry?
girl: We don't have raspberry.
me: Well, what flavors do you have?
girl: I told you, we have everything.
me: But you don't have strawberry?
girl: Right.
me: Or raspberry?
girl: Nope.
me: But you have every flavor.
girl (making no attempt to hide her annoyance): Yes. That's what I said.
me: What's your favorite flavor, then?
girl: Oh, I don't know. I like them all.
me: Never mind. I'll just have an ocean water, thank you very much.

oops

Don't you hate it when you're walking through a store and you forget to look where you're going and run into a display of dishes and break them? And then everyone turns to stare at you?

Me too.

and a few more....

Our Inca Trail hiking group at the summit on day 2:



Making an offering for safe passage:



Feeding the alpacas. I ate alpaca later on - YUMMY!



Standing by the temple of the moon. These stones weigh 50-60 tons apiece, and the Incas managed to get them across the valley and up onto the mountainside. Incredible:



Me and Erin with Harry, our trail guide:



Me and Erin on the boat to the floating islands. We weren't just wearing those hats because we thought they were cool. It really was that cold:



These are the UGLIEST dogs I've ever seen in my life. They have no hair except for on their heads:



Me and Erin with the cute old woman we stayed with in Lima. I think she was about 3 feet tall:

a few peru pictures (finally)

Pretty flowers at the ruins in Lima:



The view from our restaurant in Cusco:



Famous 12-sided Inca stone:



Me with the nice woman who let me hold her baby goat:



I have a picture of my brother on his mission standing in this exact pose in this exact location:



On the Inca Trail:



View of the ruins from our campsite on night 3:



On day 4, we hiked for 2 hours, then stopped to watch the sunrise:



Standing in front of the 14-day-old llama at Machu Picchu:



View of Machu Picchu:



On the floating islands on Lake Titicaca. The islands that aren't anchored just float around the lake. A girl in our group stepped on a soft spot and fell through:



Feeding the guinea pigs:

who loves my new design?

ME! ME!! MEEE!!!

things that have made me happy

Receiving a text message from Brett, an old friend that I haven't heard from in a year and a half. Remembering how we became such good friends in such a short amount of time. Remembering how, when I missed the ward parties because I was studying for a test, he would bring a plate of food over to my house so I didn't miss out. And how he once brought me bratwurst, and I didn't have the heart to tell him I hate bratwurst so I ate it anyway. I love Brett!!

Receiving an email from Charlotte informing me that my new title is "mistress of willpower". I've never been named mistress of anything. This is very fun.

Solidifying plans to go to New Hampshire next weekend. I can't wait!!!

Knowing that Steve is coming back from Prague today to hang out with me.

Justifying buying a pretty new yellow dress by riding to Philadelphia with a group of friends instead of driving by myself. The money that I saved on gas went to purchasing said dress.

The wedding reception on a boat at Penn's Landing last night. Although the groom was two hours late to the wedding ceremony and the entire wedding party was an hour and a half late to the reception, it was still a delightful evening.

Painting my nails.

And lots more...

hot fudge sundaes

Today I've really been craving a pistachio ice cream hot fudge sundae. Which reminded me of the cruise I took with my sisters. And how we ate them every night after dessert. And how I accidentally went skinny dipping in the ocean in Cozumel. But how nobody saw because we were the only people on the beach.

And then I missed my sisters.

The end.

take some advice

Sometimes I really wish I could go back in time and give my teenaged self some advice. I think that most of it would be fashion advice, not because my high school years were horrific because I had no sense of style, but because I'm currently organizing all of my high-school photos and am having a really hard time finding any that I actually want to put in a photo album that people are actually going to see.

I would start off by telling myself that it's a really bad idea to wear a mustard-yellow shirt on picture day. It's a bad idea any day of the year, really, but if you wear it on picture day, your future posterity will forever know that when you wore this shirt, your skin and hair magically took on the exact same shade. I realize that since you're not an iguana, you had no reason to suspect that you could actually change colors, but if you had just taken the time to look in them mirror, could have saved yourself a lot of embarrassment.

Also, the green shoes were just a bad idea. First of all, you don't own anything that goes with these green shoes (besides the t-shirt your friend's dad brought home from work, which was also a bad idea), and second of all, they're just ugly. No matter what you're wearing them with.

You should also know that being a blonde really isn't all it's cracked up to be. So you don't need to try so hard. And you especially shouldn't trust your little sister to dye your hair blonde two days before you move to a new school while her boyfriend is over and she is clearly very distracted.

But, since I've now grown up and am no longer so shallow as I once was, I'll give you some non-fashion advice. If you're pretty sure he's not that into you, don't let him kiss you, no matter how much fun it may be. (This is advice that I still need to hear occasionally.)

Other than that, you've done a fairly decent job of things.

Dear BYU Engineering friends,

Um, where are we going next year? We were supposed to decide the location of our annual trip DURING the previous years trip. We've already broken that rule, and it's only year 2!!! We're doomed.

I vote for somewher east coast. Just so you know.

And don't ask me why I didn't just send an email. I don't understand it, either.

Love,
Poodle

no thank you

In the spirit of giving thanks, I'd like to also list a few people (and inanimate objects) that I would most certainly not like to thank.

The girl who got in her parents' car, let off the brake, and watched it roll backwards into my car in the church parking lot last week. If she weren't so cute, and the incident had left a larger dent, I might even be upset about it.

The person who refuses to speak to me for reasons that, since you are currently not speaking to me, I am completely unaware of. You know who you are. Oh, wait. You don't read this. But doesn't change the fact that you know who you are.

The bright light right outside my bedroom window that keeps my room illuminated all night long.

Bryan, because, despite suggestions from his blogging audience and the indication that he would work on it, he still has not added comments to his blog. Really, this is not the Bryan I know. The Bryan I know takes action! The Bryan I know never settles for less than the best! So what happened here? (I still love you, Bry.)

And, so you don't think that I'm completely negative, because really, I'm a positive sort of girl, here are a few more that I'd sincerely like to thank.

My pomade, for making my hair look so great today. (Really, you should see it. It looks fantastic.)

My baby sister, for being the coolest 17-year-old I know and offering to fly out here to help me move down to Georgia in August.

My ward, for giving me a candybar for Father's Day yesterday, just because they know how much I love Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Yum.

My old friend Ben, for naming his new baby girl Sadie so that when he told me the name I didn't have to just pretend to think it was cute. I'm really just not good at that. At all.

And that's all.

good rule of thumb

If your roommate is conducting a full-fledged investigation because she thinks that somebody may have walked off with her copy of last month's Ensign, not because she needs to use this Ensign to write a talk, or even just because she wants to read it, but simply because there's no reason for somebody to walk off with something that's not theirs, even if it is only a copy of last month's Ensign, it's probably a good idea to not ever touch any of her stuff, no matter how "communal" it may seem.

Just in case anyone may ever find themselves in this situation.

thank you

Here is a list of people I would like to thank, just because they're so fantastic.

Erin, because not only did she buy me lots and lots of Gatorade to keep me hydrated after my little run-in with the Peruvian empanada, but she was smart enough to buy it in the little sport bottles, allowing me to drink without actually sitting up. (At the time, sitting up exhausted all of the energy I had. Bad news.)

Target, for selling glow-stick earrings. No matter how bad my day is, I can't see those and NOT laugh. (For those who don't know, during the summertime I develop a rather embarrassing fixation with glow-in-the-dark and light-up apparel.)

My dad, because it's father's day tomorrow and I'll feel guilty if I don't include him in this list. Plus, he really is just great.

Matthew, the Air Force investigator guy who interviewed me for security clearance purposes. While I thought the entirety of the interview would include questions such as Is said person a threat to national security? and Do you have any reason to believe that said person is plotting with foreign forces to overthrow the United States Government? Matthew made the interview much more entertaining for me. Who knew that investigators would ask Can you tell me anything embarrassing about said person? Or ask about said person's past dating relationships and how they ended. These questions can make for pretty entertaining stories, so we really had a rather enjoyable time with this interview.

Barnes and Noble, just because they have their discount literature section and super comfortable chairs.

That's all for now.

storytime

Okay, so I know a few days ago I said that I'm back, but then disappeared again into the world of zero posts. But this time, I'm back for real. I just needed some time to return to my real life and pick up where I had left off. But now my life is picked up again (for the most part) and the parts that haven't been picked up were intentionally left lying. So everything is in order and I am again ready to entertain.

But first, I just have to let everyone know that my sister heard her baby's heartbeat for the first time yesterday! So that's exciting news for us. I think it's a girl, but she informed me that the mother is the only one who is allowed to have feelings about that until the sex is actually determined. Which won't be for a while still.

So. I was going to tell you a story. I would tell you a fantastic story about the end of my vacation, but I still have that empanadas-are-evil-and-there-are-still-lots-of-foods-that-make-me-ill feeling, so I think it'll be a few days before I really remember just how fantastic my vacation was. But when that happens, I will show lots of pictures and fill you all in on the delights that make up Peru.

Instead, I'll tell you a dating story, because they're always fun. Now, the last date I went on was last month, and that boy is now engaged. (Not to me.) So instead, I'll tell you about Ken. Ken was an engineer, and he and one of his engineering friends thought it would be a good idea to go on a double date with me and my sister. I spent the evening suppressing the urge to introduce myself as Barbie to everyone we met, because honestly, the only Ken I had ever heard of before this one was Barbie's boyfriend. But my sister informed me that the Barbie joke wasn't that funny, so I gave up on that. But kept telling it to myself over and over again, which resulted in spontaneous and unexplained bursts of laughter, which I believe Ken found to be quite a nuisance.

Well, I actually think that's all I can remember of my date with Ken and his engineering friend. Sorry it wasn't a better story. Maybe tomorrow...

one more question

So, what is our nationality? We call ourselves Americans, but technically people from South America consider themselves Americans too. So are we United States of Americans? United Staters? I really think we need to come up with something, don't you?

dear person who keeps finding my blog by searching for poodlethenoodle,

Who are you?

Love,

Poodle

i'm back!

I know, I know, you're all having parties in your little work cubicles because you're so excited. I'm that excited too, so you're not alone.

The flight home was fairly uneventful. (Meaning I didn't get sick on the person sitting next to me.) So that was good. But then I arrived at the Washington Dulles International Airport, and since my friend's sister couldn't pick me up, I hopped in a cab to take me on the five-minute drive to her house, since that's where my car was parked. So the cabbie started driving away, and asked me where I was headed. I told him the name of the street, and that it was only five minutes from the airport. He, of course, didn't know where Viking street was located, and I, of course, didn't have the EXACT ADDRESS, and although I reassured him very adamantly that I knew EXACTLY how to get there and that it was only FIVE MINUTES from the airport and that I would pay him for every second that I was in his car, he stopped the cab in the middle of the road, pulled my bag out of the trunk, threw it on the curb, and said "No address, I no take you."

I thought for sure that this must be some sort of joke. It wasn't. He was very serious about it. So I did what any normal person would do and dragged my sad little self back to the airport and promptly had a nervous breakdown. At least until a very kind man and his very kind father took pity on me and helped me make up an address that would satisfy the cabbie at least long enough to get me far enough away from the airport that he couldn't just dump me on the side of the road. I am eternally grateful to this kind man and his kind father.

I finally made it home to find that my new roommate had packed up everything I owned that I had been keeping around the house and left it all in boxes right outside my bedroom door. I took that as my cue to move out.

So, now I'm in a new apartment (with two closets!) and feeling well enough to eat pudding and grapes. Yum.

SICK

i am absolutely, miserably, horredously sick. i was supposed to come home tonight, but i'm too weak to even stand up, so i won't come home until tomorrow. so please, everybody, feel sorry for me. i need it.

Part III: The Inca Trail

This was one of the coolest things I've ever done. If you get the chance, go for it. But if you're planning on being in Peru for 2 weeks and are only hiking for 4 days, DO NOT BRING ALL TWO WEEKS WORTH OF STUFF ON THE TRAIL WITH YOU. Find a place to leave it. Trust me on this one. And, no matter how avid a reader you are, there is absolutely no reason to bring 6 books. Ever. I arrived at the trailhead to discover that my pack was twice the size of my fellow hikers. I did a serious evaluation of how much I really wanted everything in my pack. Quite a few items of clothing lost that battle, and the Peruvian women were glad to take them off my hands for me. I also dumped a couple of books, which I swore I would never ever in my life do, and even gave away my makeup bag, which goes against everything that is Poodle. But it was worth it.

Day 1:
We met our hiking group, which included me, Erin, a man named Brian from Washington who thought it would be a great idea to RUN the entire way. And he was in good enough shape to do it. Brian's wife Kelly pretended that she was out of shape and would be slow. I believed her for about 2 minutes until Brian told me that she had recently run a marathon without training. And she could even walk the next day. Then there were 4 Peruvian engineers from Lima. Karen looked surprisingly like my friend Carey, Gabby is incapable of walking downhill without tripping (which is kind of a problem when you're trying to hike through the Andean mountains) and Manuel and Reynoldo took turns trying to keep Gabby from injuring herself.

After a day of hiking, I arrived at our campsite fairly exhausted, only to read my guidebook, which described day 1 as a "leisurely stroll" compared to day 2's "greuling climb." HA. During dinner, Harry, our trail guide, told us a story about how the Inca trail is haunted by the ghosts of dead porters. The story wasn't at all scary, and nobody was sure if they should pretend to be scared or not, so we sat in silence instead. That was pretty funny.

Day 2:
I was awakened at THREE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING by the rooster crowing right outside my tent. Whoever said that roosters crow to announce the sunrise LIED. And just so you know, horrendous cramps plus swollen hands and feet from the altitude plus a 4000 foot climb all before lunch equal one tired little hiker. (That would be me.) But, GLORIA, I made it to the summit! And the view was absolutely incredible and totally worth it. Along the way, I ran into one VERY ANGRY hiker whose group had turned back because the steep climb and altitude were too much for them. I also met perky Caroline, who didn't seem to understand why I struggled to climb as fast as she did when I was carrying a 35 lb pack and she was carrying nothing but a water bottle. I learned that apparently I looked like I was going to die the whole trek, because even groups that I was passing asked me if I was going to be okay. }

At dinner that evening, I introduced our Peruvian friends to the Beach Boy's Surfin' Safari (the line that says ...from Hawaii to the shores of Peru...) which they thought was fantastic, and then fell asleep promptly at 8 pm.

Day 3:
Everything about it was marvelous. There was an incredibly steep climb in the morning, but it was only a couple of hours instead of all day. We got to sleep in until 6:00, explore some ruins, hike through a tunnel, and learn the names of all the wildflowers that grow in the area.

That night at dinner, Erin and I tried to teach our fellow hikers how to play Zip-Bong, which originated in State College and is a riot. They decided they weren't quite drunk enough for that.

TO BE CONTINUED.....

Part II: Cusco

Twenty hours on a bus is a very long time. That's all I have to say about that.

Although on this bus ride, we were introduced to what we now refer to as Apple Goo, which is the worst dessert you'll ever try. So don't try it. It almost tastes like melted jello, but it's just a little bit worse. We also met a very kind British man who helped us find a cab and hostel for the night. Right before he left to try San Pedro, which is a cactus that causes hallucinations. We wished him the best of luck in that adventure.

Some of the highlights of Cusco included the view from our hotel (this was BY FAR my favorite city view ever), finding a nice place to stay for only $4 a night, and the food. I also gained a very strong testimony of the absolute beauty of Snickers bars. Paired with some fresh mango juice, they make a rather delightful breakfast. Or lunch. Whichever you prefer. We took a couple of walking tours, during which we only got lost twice and were able to see the famous twelve-sided Inca stone and several cathedrals. My favorite part of these tours, though, was the guidebook, which described the market as "smelly, noisy, and full of fat women in large hats" and warned us "if you see a dog, throw a rock at it - they're pests." I learned the difference between a llama and an alpaca, and met a kind woman who let me hold her baby goat.

The scariest moment of the trip was when a couple of Peruvian men offered themselves to us. At a reasonable price, of course. After that, we found a new route to our hotel. But don't worry, we came out unscathed.

your own peruvian guidebook

PART 1: LIMA

The trip started out fantastically, since my travelling companion has connections in Lima (ie, our very own tourguide and a free place to stay.) We arrived in Lima at around midnight and experienced the Peruvian nightlife until 3:30 the next morning. One of the scarier moments occurred right when we landed, and got into a taxi with no seatbelts to drive around a city in which traffic signals and the whole driving on the right side of the road idea are apparently completely optional. SCARY!!

The next day we visited the ruins of an ancient civilization whose god was female, which meant that they only sacrificed women by drugging them and burying them alive. Delightful. The ruins themselves were pretty cool, though.

While in Lima, I had to use all of my willpower not to buy every food item available, since my absolute favorite part of visiting a foreign country is trying the food. Although I did receive several shouts of I LOVE YOU from the salesmen when I turned down their offers to buy their products. So that was sweet. I've had a hard enough time getting my boyfriends to say that to me. Who knew it could be so easy?

see ya later, alligator!

So, I'm headed off to Peru for two weeks. So there will therefore be no updates to my blog in that time. But I'll be back June 9 with lots to say and lots of pictures.

Moab

I must say that Moab was a rather enjoyable experience. Derek tried to set himself on fire, because apparently his hot self combined with 104 degree heat and drinking nothing but warm water all weekend wasn't quite enough for him. But I've got to admit that a mouthful of matches is a way cooler idea than ordinary birthday candles.



Phil's car broke down the first night we were in Moab and Alan, being the pro mechanic that he is, decided that if we just shook the car hard enough, whatever was wrong would fix itself. It turns out that shaking a gas pump doesn't fix it. Who knew?



Friday, we went climbing, and Alan showed off his flexibility skills.



After a long day of climbing, we hiked up to delicate arch to watch the sunset. However, we forgot that the sun sets in the west, and that the view of delicate arch faces east. It was nonetheless a beautiful sight.



I then noticed that most of my pictures were of Alan. But seriously, can you blame me? I mean, just look at the guy. Ahhh....



Saturday was spent jeeping, which meant lots of bouncing and lots of dirt. Which meant that Derek was in his element.

Dear Honda,

You think you're pretty sneaky, don't you? Installing a CD player into my car that stops working when I drive over 75 miles per hour. But hey, I'm not going to let it get to me. You know why? Because I'm the bigger person, that's why. Yeah, that's right. So I'll drive 75. And I won't even be mad about it. So take that!

Love,
Poodle

thus far

Within the first five minutes after landing in Salt Lake I learned, much to my horror, that my brother-in-law drinks slim-fast. Voluntarily. Simply because he likes the way they taste. I also learned that my sister's new favorite restaurant is called Dairy Keen, and had the privilege of listening to her detailed explanations of exactly why Dairy Keen is so fantastic and why we needed to eat there the next evening. I'm a little bit worried about them.

i just have to brag

Now, I realize that it's a little out of form for me to tell stories about my family other than their bizarre sleeping habits or candy fixations. But I really just have to share with everyone just how brilliant my baby sister is. Just this week, she found out that she got the highest score in the entire city of San Antonio on the Spanish AP exam. And about half of the students taking the exam were native Spanish speakers. I'm sorry, but I could not NOT brag about that.

And, this same sister whom I love so dearly and who handles my teasing so well, and who has so graciously taught me the intricate art of eye-makeup application, won first place in the state competition for the bookcases she built in her shop class. I think I'm going to have her build my furniture for me when I move.

So, there you have it. She's a fantastic little thing.

things i've learned from dating

I really like boys. A lot.

If he laughs when he tells you he loves you, laugh back.

I find weird engineers incredibly attractive.

That's probably because I'm an engineer, too.

If he mumbles something that you can't understand, nodding your head and saying "yeah" might not be the greatest idea.

Going on double dates with your sister can be a lot of fun. Especially if your dates think you're twins. It may not, however, be so much fun for the boys.

If a boy tries to date your roommate, and when she tells him she's not interested, he tells you that it's okay because he really wanted to date you, and then when you tell him you don't want to date him, he says it's okay because he really just wanted to date your sister anyway, run. Fast.

Don't go out with a boy you're not interested in just for free dinner. It's really not worth the trouble.

If I like him, my parents probably don't.

If my parents like him, I probably don't.

the drama continues

I should have known it couldn't end that easily.

So, the boy sent an email to Washington DC's Colonail list serve in an attempt to find women to go dancing with him Saturday night. Because, apparently that's what boys do when the girl that they thought they wanted to marry but really didn't know the first thing about tells him she doesn't want to date him. My best Pennsylvania friend, who happens to be on the Colonial listserve, replied, without mentioning my name, to iquire whether or not he was still planning on going to Palmyra this Saturday, since a group of friends had been planning that trip for a while now.

To which he replied, knowing perfectly well that Wendy would share this information with me:

"Somehow, I totally missunderstood Brittany. I wrongly assumed that she might, just maybe, have some feelings for me. Clearly, that was not the case. So, I'm going to do something else..."

To which I thought:

"So much for the no pressure, let's be friends and get to know each other nonsense. And yes, you clearly misunderstood. That's the understatement of the year."

And Wendy replied, again without mentioning my name:

"Sorry you're not coming. Why don't you come and hang out with friends?"

To which he replied:

"Friendship works two ways. Brittany has never tried to be my friend."

To which Wendy replied nothing.

And which made me think:

"Gosh, you're right. You made it SO EASY for me to be your friend, and you made it SO CLEAR that all you wanted was friendship, and I was nothing but mean, as usual."

I then thought:
"Maybe I'll send him an email telling him this, because I'm kind of bored today, and that'll add a little bit of excitement and spice to my life."

I then thought better of it.

and so it ends

On Saturday, after the boy finally understands that "I don't want to date you" really means nothing other than "I don't want to date you", I notice that he is crying.

My reaction: Pretending not to notice his emotion, I look out the window, and in my most cheerful voice, declare "Oh, look! Cows! I love cows!"

And thus the drama ends.

I'm a jerk.

happy mother's day

I love my mother for many reasons, the least of which include the fact that she is never offended by my laughter when she tries to dance in the living room. I also love her because:

She taught me that winning really does matter, even when it's only a game of Speed Scrabble.

She knows perfectly well that my dad doesn't sleep any better in the bathroom and only does so for dramatic effect, but she lets him do it anyway because she thinks it's really funny.

She did't make me feel stupid when, after 3 months without running, I decided to accompany her on her 12-mile jog, and had to stop after mile 3. She did, however, leave me on the side of the road and make me wait for her to finish, just because she thought it was really great that, at the age of 48, she could run farther than her 22-year-old daughter.

Every time I come home, our first conversation always involves her mentioning that we really should go shopping on her day off.

She knows what "stacked" means and uses it in everyday conversation.

She signs all of her emails and letters "Mom the Bomb", because she is the bomb.

She only swears one day out of the year, and that day happens to be Christmas Eve. Always.

She requested hotdogs for her Mother's day dinner.

Oh, yeah. And she's finished med school, has run 8 marathons, placed second in her division in one of them, is an amazing pianist, a master pastry chef, and raised six kids who have all turned out pretty okay. But who pays attention to that?