Dear Mom,

Would you mind sending me that National Geographic article that I was coveting from your house? Thanks. You're the best.

Love, Poodle

PS: Thanks for the outfit.
PPS: And the shoes.

Newlyweds

So last week I was reminded of the time that my brother and I won a deck of cards playing "The Newlyweds Game" at the Provo mall, and how they didn't even make us pretend to be newlyweds. (For which I am eternally grateful, because pretending to be married to your brother is jut plain wrong. Even for a deck of Tommy Hilfiger playing cards.)

And then I remembered that we won mainly because Ryan knew I had a crush on a boy named Aaron, and I knew that he was interested in a girl whose name will not be mentioned because we are all very grateful he did not end up with her. Not that there was anything wrong with her*, per se, but not ending up with her meant that he could end up with Brianna, who is not afraid to tell him what a big fat baby he's being when he tries to blame her when he loses a game of spoons.

But then I remembered that our victory was not so much attributed to the fact that we knew all details of each other's lives, but because the newlyweds all missed the easiest question on the test.

If your wife could go on a date with anyone in the world, who would it be?

Um, Matthew McConaughey? NO? ME?! You'd rather go out with me? Huh. Cause I'd kinda like to go out with Cameron Diaz.

*Okay, so maybe there were a few things wrong with her, the least of which was her fashion sense. But I'm trying to be nice here.

what to read:

The Great Starvation Experiment

I'm pretty sure it just jumped to status of very favorite book of all time. And I don't even like history. I've tried reading them, but about 98.3% of the time, they bore me. This is an exception.

So read it. And if you don't think you can afford it, I'll buy it for you for your next birthday. Or Christmas. Whichever comes first. Because you NEED it. Even more than I need that new Coach handbag that blogger won't let me post.

what to read:

The Great Starvation Experiment


I'm pretty sure this book just jumped to status of all-time favorite book. And I don't even like history books. I've tried reading them, and 98.3% of the time, they bore me.

And if you don't think you can afford it, I'll buy it for you for your next birthday. Or Christmas. Whichever comes first. Because you need it. Even more than I need this:

jealousy

One of my favorite Reed family phrase is "I totally won."

Won what?

It doesn't matter. I just won. The best ex-boyfriend stories contest, the cutest baby contest, the best ice-cream chooser contest, whatever. We love to win.

Is anybody else aware that they're in a competition? No. Does it matter? Absolutely not. Because I won.

And just for the record, I totally won the best blog contest, if for no other reason than that nobody else in my family has a blog. So in typical Reed spirit, they all went out and got themselves blogs so that they could win the newest blog contest, or the bluest blog contest, or whatever competition they secretly have going with the rest of us.

So Ashley wins the most narcissistic contest. She'd really like to thank herself for being so awesome. A definite must-read.
]
The Shade wins the naivete award. So if you'd like to read about a BYU freshman who still believes that a boy who keeps her up until 3:30 am "just talking" is "only a friend" and "just being nice", this is the one for you. It's really very sweet.

And then Mom the Bomb wins the prize for the best dance moves. You should see her shake her groove thing. Whoa.

But I'm still the original. I win. So take that!

yummy

So the other day, my brother in law pulled out a bottle of breast milk that had been tucked away in the back of the fridge. The bottle that was tucked away in the back of the fridge because he had hid it there.

Um, I'm pretty sure Mabel isn't crawling through the fridge trying to steal extra breastmilk.

But no, of course she's not. He was trying to hide it from me.

No matter what angle I approach this situation, it is not flattering to me.

Lake Tahoe

having just returned from a glorious and gorgeous trip to Lake Tahoe, I thought I'd fill you in on the adventures.

What I took with me:

one hair straightener, just in case

a library, mainly because I'm easily distracted on airplanes and require at least 10 books to keep myself entertained

a new hair color, for show-off puposes

ten t-shirts, because i'm never sure which ones I'll actually feel like wearing

What I gained in Tahoe:

the kayak surfing championship, but only after Derek taught me the proper technique. So maybe I'll split the prize with him, 50/50

lots of funny stories

the knowledge that, although almost ALL OF OUR FRIENDS BAILED on us, Katie is very reliable. Thanks, pal.

a blister

three nights with very little sleep

an easy method for making the Chemistry Day T-shirt I've been wanting, stolen from Derek's Skunk shirt

Tahoe's best breakfast, involving vanilla custard strawberry waffles which tasted suspiciously like dessert

zero hot dogs. my one regret. camping without hotdogs should be illegal.

What I brought home:

one free round-trip ticket for anywhere in the continental United States I wish to visit

two sunburn stripes, one down the front of each leg

dirt. and lots of it.

plans for next year's spring break trip to Atlanta

i'm a great mother. and very smart.

So I took Marble* to get her pictures taken at The Picture People today. I decided that I would pretend to be my sister so that they would think that I was Marble's mother, and therefore had the right to take home photos of her. And it just seemed like it would make things easier. Unfortunately, I forgot that sometimes people ask questions, and when you're pretending to be somebody else, it's sometimes hard to come up with answers to said questions. So I walk in, and the questions start.

Super helpful worker girl: So, have you been here before?

Me (as my sister): Yup.

Girl: Okay, great. What's your last name?

Me: Reed

Girl (trying to look me up in the computer): Um, okay... What's your address?

Me: We live on Westheimer. Wait, no we don't. We live on the SH Parkway.

Slightly suspicious and much less eager to be helpful girl: Er, are you sure about that?

Me: Yes. Very sure.

Girl: Alright, what's your phone number?

Slightly embarrassed me: Um, hold on. Let me look it up. It's in my phone.

Girl: You don't know your phone number?

Me: Well, you know, I've never had any reason to call myself, so... And with everybody having cell phones these days, I guess there's just no need?...

Girl: Okay, well I'm not finding it. The name's Reed?

Me (doing a pitiful job of faking my identity): Oh, wait! No, it's not. It's Peterson now. Sorry. I'm still not used to the whole name change thing. I mean, I was a Reed for 26 years, so you know... It's been a hard transition. So... Yeah. The name's Peterson. Sorry.

So I officially can never go undercover for any reason ever again. Which was a sad discovery, because I've always thought it would be really fun to go undercover and act completely different and not be at all embarrassed about it because, surprise, it's not me!

*And no, my family has not joined in the name-your-child-after-inanimate objects trend. Her real name is Mabel. And she is gorgeous.

i'm a sinner

Today during Sunday school, the teacher wrote "Honor" on the board and asked us what our first thought was when we saw the word.

My first thought: "Hey! That's Logan's sister's name on Gilmore Girls!"

Yes, my mind is definitely where it should be.

never again

I am never ever again allowed to step foot inside an Anthropologie. Their clothes are way too cute, and their sales are way too good. Sounds backwards? Yeah, I know.

And did you know that it's too hot to wear clothes in Houston?

okay, i'm finally back

And I made it to Houston in one piece. My trip involved 4 days of delays mainly because the state of Texas is impossibly slow, and a little bit because I failed to register my car when I was supposed to. (Namely, a year ago when the previous registration expired. Oops.) These four days ended in a two-hour trip to the DMV during which I tried my best not to scream when creepy DUI Philip asked me if I had a steady boyfriend in town, and if not, if I would be interested in having dinner with him sometime. He just had to ask. And I just had to say no way. I left with a newly-registered, legal-to-drive car and a brand-new status as an official Georgia Peach. (So said the super nice, not at all scary DMV worker.)

Day one of my trip involevd nine hours of driving, lots of Powerade Option fitness water, and one stop at the Mobile, Alabama IHOP to try out their new stuffed french toast. (Which, by the way, is not french toast at all. It's a donut with fruit on top.) I finally stopped for the night at a somewhat sketchy LaQuinta. And if anybody has ever wondered what it might be like to have somebody who is NOT housekeeping open the door to your hotel room at six o'clock in the morning, let me tell you, it is terrifying. If I were the kind of girl who swears, I totally would have. Instead, I acted like the composed adult that I am and hid under the covers.

So now I'm in Houston, and have spent my days playing lots of Peek-a-boo, a medium amount of making fun of Brandon, and a little bit of making fun of Bethany. I also attended one singles talent show, which involved less talent than America's Next Top Model, and made me realize that just because your mom sometimes tells you you're funny does not make you a stand-up comedian. Or a walk-around comedian. And if the walk-around comedian bit is your opening line, you should probably just go ahead and sit down. Which while a sit-down comedian may not be any more funny than a stand-up or walk-around comedian, it is much less embarrassing for everyone involved.

still stuck in georgia

and not so happy about it.

I pretty much feel like this:


But I think I'm going to buy myself some Marble Slab ice cream. That should cheer me up a bit.

it's over

Today is officially my last day teaching this year. Sad.

And here's a picture one of my students took during physics while she was supposed to be listening:

what to read:

Feed: And not just b/c it rhymes. B/c it'll, like, make u lol. And then it might def. make u cry. Well, it didn't make me cry, but books don't have that effect on me. That would just be like totally mal if they did.

The Mermaid Chair: Very well written, and worth reading, even though the main character annoyed me the entire book. Just so she knows, there is NO EXCUSE to cheat on your husband. Ever. I don't really care if you need to discover your true inner self, and have some hidden depths that have yet to be explored and blah blah blah. It's horomones. And possibly a mid-life crisis. Nothing more. Get over it. But the ending was perfect.

my mom

My mom is like a postage stamp. She sticks to one thing until she gets there.

No, I didn't come up with that on my own. I stole the quote from Josh Billings.

Who's Josh Billings, you ask?

I have no idea, I answer.

not to brag or anything,

actually, that's a lie. the sole purpose of this post is to brag.

Last night, I received the following email from one of my students:

Ms Reed...i just want to tell you that it has been a delight to have been in your chemistry class this year...i really feel that i have actually learned some stuff...but its been really fun...probably my favorite class/ teacher...and sorry i havent really been doing much work lately...but i have just got really lazy and tired of school...but i'm kinda still trying...haha sorta...but anyways i'll see u in class...bye ms reed...:-)

enough said.

happy chemistry day!

6:30. Get home. Take a nap.

8:30. Hear the doorbell ring. Wonder who it is. Go to the door and look out the peephole. Recognize Collin, one of my students. So I open the door.

me: Collin, you have GOT to be kidding me.
Collin: I am not kidding Ms. Reed. Here, take this. He hands me a bag. It's heavy.
Me: What is this?
Collin: It's CapriSuns. For class tomorrow. And a cake. He holds out a bakery box. I look inside and notice that it has "Happy Chemistry Day!" written on it. I jump with exitement. (It was maybe more of a skip, but whatever.)
Me: Oh, my gosh, it says Happy Chemistry Day! That is so great! I'm not even annoyed about being wooken up anymore. Woken up. Whatever. I'm excited.
Collin: Right. I don't have room for this in my fridge, so you'll have to put it in yours. And by the way, where have you been? We have knocked on every door in this building looking for you. We knocked on Mr. Math Teacher's door. We thought you were, like, on a date or something.
Catherine: (With eyebrows raised, waving her hands back and forth.) Yeah, we thought that you two were, like, you know.....
Me: Um, no. He lives underneath me. But that's another story.*
Collin: Okay, so bring the cake to class tomorrow and we'll eat it. To celebrate Chemistry day. Now go back to sleep.

And I'm still so excited that the cake actually says "Happy Chemistry Day" I don't even mind that he's bossing me around.

*The other story: Two months ago, my principal came into my classroom and started making small talk. Which he's not very good at. And then he mentioned that they just hired a young, single male math teacher, who is apparently just SO nice. Really, so nice. And he was so sure that we would get along just great. So would I mind, you know, making him feel welcome? And, by the way, Dr. Principal recommended that he move into my apartment complex. Hooray. So now he lives underneath me.

why, oh, why

Would you ever name your child:

Coco: Do you want her to grow up to be a hooker?

Bambi: see above.

Rainy: anything dealing with weather is just wrong.

Cook: Now, I realize that the term "bun in the oven" is kind of cute (kind of), but that's taking it just one step too far.

Gray: we have at least three at our school. Is that how he makes you feel? Poor, poor child.

Dear Seniors,

Goldfish in the toilets? Seriously? You can come up with a better sernior prank than that.

Much Disappointment,
Ms. Reed

funny stories

My physics students recently turned in a project in which they explained the physics behind a sport of their choice. One student did a track and field manual, and, while explaining the rules of the javelin throw, stated that "the javelin must have at least an 800 gram mass", but accidentally left of the "m" in the word "mass". I'm still laughing about that. So I wrote back "wow, my mass is way bigger than 800 grams." I hope he appreciates my joke.

Then we were learning about heat of vaporization in Chemistry, and I told my students about when I was hiking, and one of the boys in the group took his shirt off, got it wet, and wrapped it around the water bottle. And after a few minutes, the water in the bottle was cool.
Chris: Ms. Reed, you saw a boy without his shirt on.
Me: Yeah, I felt kind of dirty.
Followed by about five minutes of laughter.

And then in physics:
Me: Hey, do you guys want to hear a funny story?
Them: Ooh, yeah!
Me: So, I was reading this book last night, and...
And then they started laughing.
Me: Um, guys, that's not the funny part.
Them: Yes, it is.
Jerks.

And then I read a book called Feed, and the kids in the book remind me SO much of my students. Like the conversation taking place after a couple breaks up:
Her: I never want to see you again!
Him: Yeah? Okay. Then get some special goggles or something!