Hello? Is anybody there?..... NO?? Okay, FINE

Today, during my math class, I spent the entire hour and a half daydreaming about having a man. Not anybody in particular. Any man would do. I spotted a really hot boy in the computer lab yesterday, and afterwards spent an unjustifiably lengthy amount of time thinking about him. What is causing this sudden desperate need for a lover? I've never been the kind of girl who always has to have a boyfriend. In fact, I've only had one, MAYBE two actual boyfriends in my whole life. I've always been content knowing that, one day, I will find true love, and until then, have been happy living my life single. (With a few dates mixed in there, of course.) So why is it all of a sudden IMPOSSIBLE for me to concentrate on anything besides the opposite sex? Is it the physiological effect of my body screaming at me to, "HURRY, procreate before your prime child-bearing years have slipped away!" Or is it the fact that the man that I so recently fell in love with is now 2000 miles away (and not coming back)? NO! While these factors undoubtedly contribute to the display of my desperate-I-must-have-a-man behavior as of late, the main reason for these horrifying and, yes, truly embarrassing feelings is the fact that there are NO OPTIONS. And I'm not being dramatic here. There really are zero men.

Okay, so I realize it's my own fault. I knowingly moved to podunk, barely-made-it-on-the-map Pennsylvania. But at the time, it seemed like the perfect scheme. I was the new girl, and since there's a serious lack of eligible females in this town as well, I got more than my share of attention from the small, slightly dorky, yet well-meaning male population. Just when I was running out of options, Derek moved into town. I had it made.

Then this year happened.

Derek left to take a job in California. I watched him go, had a good, long cry, and, after what I had thought was an acceptable mourning period, went out in search of a distraction (ie, another man). I wiped my tears, put on my cutest outfit, and set out to find..... what? NOTHING?? You can't be serious. Apparently I had forgotten during my months of blissful summer romance that there are no eligible men in this town. Well, maybe I should refine that statement. There are approximately five eligible men in State College. The problem is, I know them all well enough to know that, yes, as pathetic as my loneliness is, I would rather be alone than with any of them.

Now what? Do I resort to the online dating thingys? Or just get the heck out of dodge? I think for now, I'll have to resign myself to being distracted by... Ooh, that guy over there in the corner is a fine piece of work. I'll finally have to admit that, as much as I've tried to deny, hide, or distort this fact, I am, in fact, still very much a girl. With all of the emotional implications attached to that statement. Yes. I've admitted it. I am a boy-crazy girl, in desperate need of at least the PROSPECT of some unknown man stealing my heart away. Or at least wanting to take me out to dinner.

Yet Again...

So, I forgot to pack myself something to eat today. It's already 2:00, and I'm STARVING. So, I went down to the vending machine in hopes of buying myself a delicious (if not VERY unhealthy) mid-day snack. I inserted my quarters and dimes into the machine, pressed the button for my seletion, and watched in anticipation as the little spiral turned. However, instead of pushing my candy bar over the edge of the platform, as it was supposed to, it simply pushed it forward about a half inch. So now, I'm 5 cents short of buying another candy bar, and still hungry. This is the second time in about a week that this has happened to me. You'd think I would have learned by now.

Small Blip in the Plans

So, I finally told my mom that I'm leaving Penn State to go teach high school. As expected, she didn't respond incredibly well to the news. The first thing she said to me was "You're DROPPING OUT of school?" Well, I don't exactly see it as "dropping out," but apparently that's how she looks at it. I see it as moving on to something that I'll enjoy more and something that will be better for me in the end. I mean, I like grad school for the most part, and I like living in State College, but I just really feel like it's time for me to move forward and try something new. I'm still going to continue with my plans, and do what I think I should, but it's frustrating to know that she doesn't approve. I really wanted my family to be excited for me and a little more supportive than she is currently being.

What's Happening to me?

Okay, so I used to be a very driven person. I spent hours every day working on homework, studying, and keeping myself busy with school and other responsibilities. When I moved to State College, that changed. I think the fact that my last semester at BYU was miserable definitely contributed to this change. I realized that there are certain things and people in my life that are so much more important than academic success. So when I moved out to Pennsylvania, I made it a point to make sure that my schoolwork didn't interfere with my spirituality or any of my relationships. I had a lot of fun, made some good friends, and really felt like I made a difference in some people's lives. But I think I'm beginning to swing a little too far towards the lazy side. Lately, it's been so hard for me to get any work done. I sit down, thinking that I'll work on homework or my project for several hours, and I end up getting absolutely nothing done. I think that, ever since I decided to leave Penn State in August, I've been too excited about my new plans and all of the excitement that I have ahead of me, and I have a hard time focusing on the tasks that I have in front of me right now. My priorities have really flipflopped in the last year, so school doesn't seem quite as important as it once was. I have to constantly remind myself that this is something that I need to finish. I've loved my time in State College, and wouldn't change anything if I could do it over. But right now, I'm looking ahead just a little too much, and forgetting that I have responsibilities right now that can't be neglected.

Something to Look Forward To

So, today has been absolutely boring. Everyone went down to DC for the weekend, so I haven't had anyone to hang out with. I did some homework, read a little bit, practiced the piano, and other than that, I've just been hanging out trying to come up with ways to entertain myself. I can't wait to live in a city where there are more than 10 singles for me to hang out with. I can't wait!!

Day Off

So, today was a "study day" for Penn State. In other words, classes and work were cancelled, and students were free to do whatever they wanted. It was great timing, because this week was really busy and a little bit stressful for me. So today, I slept in, cleaned the kitchen, did some grocery shopping, and read quite a bit. I also looked online a little more for some jobs, although that's a little premature since most teaching jobs don't open until around April. It was a nice, relaxing, low-key day. What bliss!

Institute

We had institute again tonight (as we do every Wednesday night.) We talked a lot about keeping bad thoughts out of our heads. It was really good for me to hear. I don't usually have a problem controlling my behavior, but I do sometimes have a hard time keeping my thoughts on good things. It's hard to do, but definitely worth the effort. I'm so much happier and more relaxed when I don't allow myself to think either mean or impure thoughts. Ceke talked about seeing people the way the Lord sees them, and made me really want to try harder to see everyone that way and look for all of the beauty within.

COOKIES

I made snickerdoodles last night. They are my all-time favorite cookies. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THEM! I got a recipe from allrecipes.com and made them last night. It was my one night off from homework for the week, so I decided to bake. Now, normally I'm not a big fan of cookie dough, but I tasted some of the snickerdoodle dough that got stuck on the beaters, and it was HEAVENLY. Oh, my gosh, I don't think I've ever tasted anything so delectible. The cookies themselves were great, too. Incredible flavor, crispy around the edges like I like them, and chewy in the middle. What more could a girl want?

I emailed one of the math teachers at State College Area high school yesterday. I'm hoping to be able to help her out with whatever she might need, to gain a little bit of experience in the classroom. I think it's going to be a little tricky convincing a school to hire me to teach their students if I've never even set foot inside of a high-school classroom. I haven't heard back from her, but hopefully I will soon. I just need to be a little more patient. When I make a decision about something that I want to do, I always want everything to happen right away.

STRESS!

So, I'm feeling a little bit stressed out lately. I'm feeling a lot of pressure to make some major advances in my research, and my classes take a lot more time than they have in the past. I really enjoy my math class, and it's not really too difficult, but it's been a really long time since I've taken a class taught by the math department. I'm just not used to the notations that they use, and the way they think about systems. It's so different from the way engineers view things, so it's taking me a little while to catch on. Everything's going to be just fine, I know, but I've made some pretty major decision about my life recently, and it just seems like everything's changing so fast. I'm entering some new territories that are very different from what I've been doing for the last six years, so figuring out how to approach everything is making me feel slightly overwhelmed. I'm definitely very excited about my plans, though, so that makes things seem a lot less burdensome.

Bad Day

So, today definitely isn't the best day ever. I'm just feeling frustrated with things a little bit more than normal. So, I'm really excited about my plans to go teach next year, and I'm really happy about being done with research next summer as well. I just don't like doing research very much. But I think today I realized how much I have to get done before I'll have my Master's degree finished, and how much time and work it's going to take. I didn't expect it to be easy, and I don't really mind doing things that are difficult, as long as I enjoy them. But I don't enjoy this research, so it frustrates me when I realize that I have to do it, and have to put a lot of effort into it. It'll be good for me, though. No matter where my career or my life takes me, there are always going to be things to do that are not necessarily pleasant for me. I guess this year will be good practice for that.

Making Plans

I went down to Washington DC with Wendy on Friday night. We got in at around 9:30, and hung out with Erin. She lives right across the street from the Pentagon, in a really cool area. When we got there, we went up to the roof and sat for a long time talking about our lives and about what it's like living in DC. It's a really neat city, with tons to do, and tons of people and excitement all the time. I love visiting, but I don't think I could ever really live there. There's just too much going on all the time, and there's not enough nature and outdoorsy type things to do. I love hiking and just being outside and enjoying nature way too much to really enjoy living in a big city. And besides that, the whole atmosphere seemed a little too materialistic. I noticed that after spending just one day in the city, I already wanted more clothes and possessions than I've wanted for a long time. I'm usually very happy with what I have. I don't have tons of clothes, but I have enough, and I like the ones that I have. It frustrated me that I started wanting so much. That's not something that I need. It makes life way too stressful, and makes it a lot harder to just be happy with what I have.

After hanging out with Erin, I went down to the temple. I joined up with a group of the youth from our stake to do baptisms. Being around all those kids reminded me so much of what I was like when I was their age. I realized how far I've come in the past 12 years, in all aspects of my life. I think I've grown a lot spiritually, socially, and emotionally, although I still have a really long way to go. But it felt nice to realize that I'm headed in the right direction.

I'm also getting very excited about the idea of teaching next year. I just don't feel very fulfilled doing grad work. I love taking classes and learning new things, but I don't like research very much, and I also feel way too isolated. I'm working on a project by myself, and I just don't have very many opportunities to use what I'm learning and what I'm doing to help other people. It's really important to me to feel like I'm making a difference and contributing to society in some way. I think teaching will provide that for me.

The Latest Plan

Well, since I've decided that staying at Penn State for my PhD is no longer how I want to spend the next few years of my life, I've been trying to figure out what exactly I should do after I leave State College. The latest plan is to teach high school. I'm really excited about the idea. I was talking to Jen about it on Wednesday, and she gave me some books and explained to me the process that I have to go through to become certified to teach. I was a little bit frustrated after talking to her. Teaching certification is only state-wide, so if I am going to become certified in a particular state, I may have to stay there. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to tie myself down that way. But then I realized that I am not required to have a teaching certificate to teach at a private school. I think I would prefer working at private schools, anyway, so that is the plan that I settled on. Well, I actually decided that I would apply for teaching jobs for next fall, and also apply for some programs to do student teaching and become certified to teach in Pennsylvania. Then, if a job doesn't come through by the time I graduate, I'll at least have something to do so that I'm not floundering. And becoming certified in Pennsylvania won't necessarily mean that I have to teach here Apparently, Pennsylvania's certification requirements are more stringent than most state's, so if I'm certified here, most other states will allow me to teach there as well. It feels so good to have a plan! I hate being unsure of where I'm going in my life. Now I just need to start working a lot harder on my reserach so that I'll be finished by next fall.

Have a Little Faith

So, I didn't pay much attention today during my math class. I wrote down everything the professor wrote on the board, but my mind was on another topic entirely. I was thinking about the effect it has when people don't allow others to change. So, when you get to know somebody really well, you become very familiar with all aspects of their personality, which means seeing both their strengths and their weaknesses. But sometimes, regardless of how accurate our assessment of a person may be, we need to just let go of these preconceived notions we have about them, and have a little more faith in their ability to change. It really holds people back when they're trying to improve themselves and overcome their weaknesses, and the people who they really need to be able to turn to for support and help assume that they're going to make the same mistakes over and over again. The reason I'm thinking about this is because I have a really hard time expressing my feelings, especially if I'm feeling hurt by something or somebody. I'm incredibly lucky, because my family is really great at recognizing my attempts to change and improve. It's so easy to overcome my faults with their help. But every once in a while, there are people who have a really hard time recognizing and accepting my efforts. I realize that sometimes the changes take place very slowly, and sometimes, although the effort is there, the actual progress can be difficult to see. But I realized today that I really need people to believe in me and have faith that I really can conquer myself.

FOCUS

So, I went to institute tonight after dinner. There was one part of the lesson that really inspired me and seemed to be exactly what I needed to hear right now. We were talking about when Peter walks on water with Christ. He didn't start to sink until he got distracted and scared by things that were going on around him, and remembered that he doesn't know how to walk on water. I've been kind of scared the past few days with my decision to leave Penn State after getting my Masters instead of staying for my PhD. I've been worried that I won't be able to find a job. I realized tonight that I know that this is the right thing to do. I've thought about it a lot and prayed about it, and I've received my answer. Now I just need to go forward trusting that everything will work out for me. My patriarchal blessing mentions my ability to find work, so I really shouldn't doubt at all.

I'm Figuring Things Out

I've felt really good over the last two days. I think I'm finally figuring out some things that I've been trying for a really long time to resolve within myself. I think watching conference has helped out with that a lot. I missed the Saturday sessions since I was running in the Tussey Mountainback, so yesterday I came home after picking raspberries and listened to the Saturday sessions online. It was so nice to take a small break from everyday life to just figure out how to improve myself and get my life where it should be.

Now, I know I said it was nice to take a break from life, and it really was. But now, the challenge is to be able to pick my life up where I left it a day ago, and incorporate everything that I learned into everyday living. Learning what I need to do to improve myself is only the first step. Putting all of these lessons into action is another challenge entirely. But I think that I feel enough conviction for my newfound insights that I will be willing to put forth the effort required to live them. I just need continual reminders of what I learned and how I felt.

I think I've learned a lot about faith recently. There's no reason for me to ever deviate from doing what I know is right. I can't let myself get convinced that any other method of living will benefit me in any way. There are so many temptations sometimes trying to convince me that following my own path can bring about great things for me. I just have to remember that, even though there are so many things that I want, that aren't even necessarily bad things, are often not what's best for me in the end. And along with that, I've learned how to better recognize answers to prayers. Keeping the spirit in my life makes it so much easier to feel the peace that comes with knowing that I am following Heavenly Father's will for me.

Raspberries

I went to a raspberry farm this morning with my friend Joanna, where they let you pick as many raspberries as you want, and leave half of them in the freezer for the farmer. So now I have tons of raspberries in my fridge. I need to figure out what to do with them before they go bad (which will probably take only 2 days.) It was really nice to spend some time enjoying the outdoors, although my lower back got sunburned where my shirt came up a little when I leaned over. It was totally worth it, though, just to be enjoying the beautiful weather. It was also good for me to be getting to know some of the married women in my ward a little better. I've recently started trying to become better friends with some of them. There are some really cool ladies around here. They're so much fun to talk to. Even though we can't hang out a lot since most of them have kids, it's still just nice to know that there are people around to have a good conversation with every once in a while.

Sunday

So, recently I lost my scriptures. I took a road trip with my friend, and left them in one of the hotels along the way. Since then, it's been a lot harder to keep up with my scripture study. I've been borrowing my roommates, or reading online, but I haven't always had my own scriptures there to read or study whenever I needed or wanted to. It's made me realize how important they are, and how much they help edify me. It's been really good for me. Sometimes it's hard to recognize how much you need or appreciate something until it's gone. I've been trying really hard over the last few months to be able to really recognize the effect that the scriptures have for me, and to be able to improve my scripture study. I think this experience was an answer to my prayers.

General Conference was this weekend. President Hinckley spoke today on the importance and value of good women in this world. It made me want so badly to be a better person. He made me realize that if I am trying my best to be good, virtuous, and loving, that will bring me eternal happiness. It made other less important things just fall away and seem so trivial. I feel like I've been bombarded with a lot of different ideas on how to become a better person, that are not necessarily right. Being "successful" is too often associated with school or career achievements. Listening to President Hinckley's talk today made me realize that selfishness and lovingness are really the attributes I want to attain more than anything.

Mountainback Team

Tussey Mountainback

I ran in the Tussey Mountainback 50-mile relay today with a group from church. Darin Tandberg, Andrea LeBaron, Steve Torgerson, Joanna and Trevor Warburton and I all ran. It was so much fun to be around all these people who were so excited to be there and so excited about what they were doing. Besides a little bit of friendly competition, everyone seemed to really want to help each other. Everybody was cheering on the runners from other teams, and especially the ultramarathoners. (They ran the entire 50 miles alone. That's incredible.)

Anyway, I ran two legs that totaled 10.2 miles. The first leg was 6.2, and the last leg was 4. My legs were really stiff during my second run, but it felt really good to push myself and make myself keep running, despite how much it hurt. It always feels good to challenge myself in any aspect of my life. It makes me feel like I'm progressing and accomplishing something. Our team this year beat last year's score by about 12 minutes, which I was excited about. I'm so exhausted now, though. I didn't get much sleep last night. I wasn't feeling really great, so it was really hard for me to fall asleep. But Jenny and I are supposed to go see Napoleon Dynamite tonight, so I need to somehow recover before then. I hear that movie is hilarious, so I don't want to miss out.

Life Changes

So, I've been thinking a lot about why I'm in State College. The first obvious answer that I come up with is that I'm in school here, pursuing a good education. That, and the fact that it was obviously very right for me to move out here. But I'm starting to think now that I've learned what I was supposed to, and that I've made changes in myself that I might not have been able to make if I had not moved out here. I'm really grateful for the time that I've had here, and the time I still have. But I think that it might be approaching the time when I need to move on with my life elsewhere. I've been seriously considering finishing up my Master's degree, and then finding a job. I've been looking to see if there are any teaching jobs that I could get with a master's degree. If there are, I think I'll apply for some of those. I'm trying to be cautious about this, and not make any really drastic decisions, especially right now. I mean, I realize that right now, I'm really feeling kind of lonely, and that is definitely swaying the way I feel. I mean, Derek left after being here all summer, and I miss him. And besides his leaving, a lot of my other friends that I spent a lot of time with recently left State College as well. Anyway, the reason I say all this is because I want to make sure that I'm not just running away from my problems. Just because something isn't as easy or as fun as I would like for it to be, doesn't necessarily mean that it's not going to teach me things that I need right now. I'm so confused about what I want right now. I mean, I've honestly never really felt lonely before. I've always had family and some close friends who make me feel very loved, whether or not they're even living in the same state that I am. So it's never bothered me before if I don't always have a ton of people to hang out with every weekend. I know how blessed I am to have the people that I do in my life. So this whole loneliness thing is so new to me, I'm not entirely sure how to handle it.