state champs

I spent the evening at our boy's State Championship soccer game. (Which my school won, by the way. We are 20-0 for the season, and are now nationally ranked.) Highlights of the night included hearing our campus minister, whose job description mainly involves being warm and fuzzy, yell at the refs, being asked if Chad was my brother, watching the officials try to clear the fans off of the field after the game so they could begin the award ceremony, and watching James pretend not to see me because he still insists on acting five years old. So I flirted with his roommate, because if he's allowed to be five years old, then so am I. I'm so mature.

Oh, and I also rather enjoyed making fun of Brady, one of my funniest students, as he ran around like a madman in a swim cap, spandex body suit, with blue and gold paint all over himself. I'd say that all-around, we are a pretty classy group. Go, Cavs, go.

how embarrassing

Today during physics class, the sweetest little freshman boy I teach accidentally hit me in the rear end with a wad of paper. I have never seen a child turn so red so fast. Which made me laugh so hard I couldn't even get mad at him.

maybe a little gross....

Introductions:

Me - very funny. very clever.

Heather - Fellow teacher. Thinks I am very funny and very clever.

Ron - My department head. Doesn't so much think I am very funny and very clever. About 65 years old. Has been teaching at this school for 35 years now. Which means that he has taught some of my student's parents. And once taught physics to the school's current physics teacher.

The conversation:

Me: Hey, Ron. Heather and I found a lab we're going to do in Chemistry on Halloween. It's called Playing with Polymers.

Ron: How much is it going to cost?

Me: It's going to be really fun. They make four different kinds of slime, and run some simple tests on the polymers.

Ron: What supplies do you need?

Me: Look, they call the slimes Boogers, Goobers, Gook, and Ooblek. Funny, huh?

Ron: What supplies do they need to make the boogers?

Me: Hehe. Well, I think just a finger and a nose.

Heather: Hehe.

Ron (Pausing long enough to let me know just how dumb he thought that comment was): So how much is this going to cost?

Me: Hehe. Uh, so I was joking about the finger and the nose thing....

Ron: Right. So how much will this lab cost?

I feel so unappreciated.

dear person who found my blog by searching for "plan pink poodle party,"

Hey, I want to come!!!

Please?

Love,
Poodle

And does anybody know how to tell a parent that their child is failing your class because they don't do any work and don't pay attention during class and pretty much don't do anything, and probably that's because they're overindulged at home, and still reassure them that you are delighted to be teaching their son/daughter and are so excited to see them succeed this year, and oh, boy, they have so much potential, and they must really be a great parent to raise such a delightful child?

Cause that's what I get to do today. And after 25 parents, I'm getting GOOD.

the answer you've all been waiting for

I finally had to admit that I failed "stump the teacher" and ask Leah the answer to the riddle. Because it was driving me crazy, and apparently was driving "anonymous crazy as well.

So here it is. The letters in the foods he can eat can spell other words (beard, team, etc.) and the foods he can't eat cannot spell other words.

Now, wasn't that obvious?

Yeah.

Now here's another. All of the trees outside of a cabin are tilted in one direction. Everyone inside the cabin is dead. Why? (It has nothing to do with a natural disaster.)

the other day in physics:

Joseph: Hey, Ms. Reed. The Astros are down by two games, you know...

Me: Yeah, so remind me, Joseph. Who beat the Braves?

Joseph: Shut up.

Me: No, I'm serious. I really don't remember who beat them. But since you're their biggest fan, I thought you would keep track of that kind of thing.

Joseph: Angry silence.

Hehe. I'm evil. But he forgave me enough to show me pictures of himself playing with a remote-control car with some of the Braves players. What a good sport.

dear person who found my blog by searching for "off his flexibility",

Um, I'm just not sure what to think of you.

But welcome to my blog.

Love,
Poodle


Dear person who found my blog by searching for "pink poodle bedroom",

I'm not sure that's the best idea ever. Unless maybe you're 5.

Love,
Poodle


Dear person who found my blog by searching for "treats for poodles",

We like Snickers. And Butterfingers, and just about any kind of pie.

And Nerds.

And hot fudge brownie sundaes, as long as the brownie is hot and has lots of nuts in it.

If you need any more ideas, just let me know.

Love,
Poodle

Dear person who found my blog by searching for "ways to charm a woman,"

I have a feeling that if you're searching the internet for ideas, you may be in need of some serious help in this department.

But that's what I'm here for. To serve you. Maybe I can give you some pointers.

Best of luck,
Poodle

Dear Bethany,

Hi. Thanks for finding some cute outfits for mom to buy me. You are the best.

All my love,
Poodle

Dear Mabel,

Welcome to the family (soon). Be sure to tell grandma that you want her to buy me pretty things. You're the first grandchild. She'll do anything you say.

Work your charm, little one!

Love from your favorite aunt,
Poodle

we have ourselves a winner

I would like to congratulate Paul, who is officially the winner of the "worst first date line" award.

I am sure that he put a lot of effort into this line, as there were several in the competition, all of which are worthy of such an honor. But Paul takes it, with the following:

"You know, we really should live like bees. The females do all the work, and the males just sit around and mate all day."

Charming.

okay, so i was wrong

my date wasn't last night. it's tonight. in about five minutes. and i'm making him go to my school's football game with me.

and i have another one tomorrow night. with a different boy this time. i'm dreading it. i used to be so good at turning boys down. what's happening to me?!?!

i need help.

riddle

a man can eat bread, meat, spinach, pears, and cream.

he cannot eat fish, soup, apples, or pizza. why???

i need to know by tomorrow so i don't COMPLETELY lose the game of "stump the teacher" that we played at the end of physics today.

because i already didn't know that emmitt smith accumulated 18,000 rushing yards in his career. or the names of all the caesars that they are apparently learning in their history class right now. so i need to redeem myself.

i have a date on thursday

so what should i wear?

and can anyone think of any good first-date conversation topics? cause he's pretty quiet, and thus far i have been the main carrier of conversation. so i need something good.

bumbling

yesterday in class:

Me: Tony, could you not be how about you are you not talking?

Tony: What did you say?

Me: I have no idea.

hard numbers

0: number of A's earned by my fifth-period class this quarter. also the number of students i have made cry

1: number of times i have done laundry in the two and a half months I've lived here. also the number of times i have gone to bed before midnight. also the number of piggly-wigglys i have encountered.

2: number of labs involving M&M's i have come up with

5: number of students who failed my class this quarter

7: number of times i have danced in front of my class

8: number of times i have changed the seating chart in my first-period class

9: length of my sunday nap three weeks ago, in hours

10: time that i went to bed for the night after waking up from said 9 hour nap at 9:30

25: total number of compliments i have received on my shoes from my students

30: number of times i have tripped over backpacks

70: number of times my students have "accidentally" turned on the gas valves during class

80: number of students i teach

100: percentage of times i have asked for directions and heard the phrase "you're going to pass a really big baptist church"

bored

I've been trying all week to think of things to write about, and have come up with nothing. Mainly because my students really just haven't been that entertaining lately. And since they are my sole source of entertainment, that means that I have nothing funny to say.

Unless I want to write about when my seventh-period class was playing a review game. The first team wanted their team name to be Ultimate Frisbee, so I wrote UF on the board for short. So the other team thought it would be pretty clever to be Fun University, so I would write FU on the board. And I fell for it, too, much to their delight.

And then I went to Utah this weekend and saw my friend Phil and realized that I haven't done a good job of keeping in touch with anybody since I started working. Except for Wendy, who emails me throughout the day.

And then I remembered that I'm going to DC this weekend, just for fun. So that when my students ask me what I do for fun, I have something to say besides "tell funny stories about you guys." They'll be thrilled.

And that is the end of my story.

i'm going where?

Fifth period today:

Mikey (by far my wittiest student): How about we watch a movie today?
Me: We will never watch a movie in my class.
Mikey: Why not?
Me: Because we're here to learn Chemistry!
Mikey: I bet you watched movies in your chemistry class in high school.
Me: No, I've never watched a single movie in any chemistry class I've taken.
Mikey: Ms. Reed, I hope you know you go to hell for a year for every lie you tell.

Later in the class:

Me: Mikey, are you playing games on your calculator?
Mikey: No, of course not. I'm listening to you.
Me: You know, you go to hell for a year for every lie you tell. Keep that in mind.
Mikey: Did you just tell me I'm going to hell?
Me: Yes, I think I did.
Mikey: Ms. Reed, this is a Catholic school. You can't say something like that. (Ha!)


During fourth period:

The class thought it would be pretty fun today to find out the worst thing I've ever done.

Luckily the worst thing I ever did was skip school once in high school.

I'm pretty sure they were disappointed with that answer.

this is REALLY why i love my job

I laugh a lot at my students, and they laugh at me. We have fun in class, and they provide many entertaining stories for my friends and blog-readers. I make fun of the boys for hitting on the pretty girl who is clearly not interested, and they make fun of me for showing up at the homecoming game without a date.

However, the REAL reason I love my job is because of this email I received today from our Academic Support specialist:

Hey, Brittany:

You may have already received a call from Laura, mother of 8th grader Catherine. Catherine is an Academic Student of mine and is having an awful first quarter. I told her mom to contact you about helping her out after school. I believe you would be wonderful for her. She needs afternoon supervision and motivation to complete her assignments and prepare for exams. Mom is working in Atlanta and is driving back and forth and the parents are going through a divorce. I hope you can work something out to help her.

Thanks.

Martha

And because of Justin, one of my chemistry students who was intentionally failing at the beginning of the year, and is now making a B in my class, and who informed me last week that my class is the only one he is doing well in and the only one he never causes trouble in. He stops by my freshman physics class during his lunch break just to say hi, and wrote a lab summary on his last lab report (which was not required) and insisted that I read it before starting started class because he was so proud of how well he had done.

I don't think I'll ever get tired of my job.

i had so much fun making up this physics quiz....

I hope my students appreciate my humor. Here are a few sample questions from my quiz (based on actual classroom events):

1. When the entire sixth-period physics class simultaneously drops its pens on the floor, it produces a sound with a 30-dB rating. If the sound of the entire class dropping their books on the floor is 1000 times more intense than the pens dropping, find the decibel rating of the books falling. (Don't try it....)
2. A certain physics student sees a cockroach in the classroom, and lets out a high-pitched scream. If the student’s scream has a wavelength of .57 meters and the speed of sound in air is 345 meters/second, what is the frequency of the scream?
3. The cheerleaders at the football game want the entire stadium to hear their cheers. A person on the front row is 3 meters away from them and can hear them with an intensity of 100 W/m^2. If the lowest intensity that a human can detect is .75W/m^2, how far away can a person be sitting and still know that when they yell blue, he yells gold?
   

I have lots of cheerleaders in my class. I hope they know just how funny I am. Hehe.