just a hint....

in case anyone finds themselves in this situtation. If you are teaching a class full of freshmen boys and wearing a dress, be very careful not to walk over the air conditioning vent. You can figure out why....

phrases i hear most often....

No, Ms. Reed. We LIKE Physics. Really, we do.

You're a teacher? You don't look old enough to be a teacher.

What?! This isn't my assigned seat? You mean you didn't sit me next to my girlfriend? Why not?

Can I go to the bathroom? No? How about my locker? NO?! How about the office? NO?!?!

Hey, do these gas lines work?... Oh. I guess they do.

Ms. Reed? If you just tell me the answer to this first quiz problem, I can get all the rest of them. Please? Just the first one?

What do you mean you don't give multiple choice tests? Do you hate us? Are you just TRYING to be mean? (Yes. Yes, I am.)

what exactly are you saying?

Cecilia: Um, Ms. Reed? I have a question.
me: Yes, Cecilia?
Cecilia: Are you married?
me: No, I'm not.
her: Oh. I didn't think you were. So I think you should date my uncle.
me: Oh? How old is your uncle?
her: He's 28. He just got married.
me: Um, well that's kind of a problem.
her: Yeah, but I don't like his wife. I think he should date you instead.

Exactly what kind of impression am I giving these kids? Sometimes I wonder....

dear andrew,

Yes, it is perfectly okay if you call me Master Reed.

Excuse me, did you hear that class? Everyone listen up. Andrew just asked me if it's okay if you all call me Master. The answer is yes. It would, in fact, be very beneficial to you to do so.

Brown-nosing is perfectly acceptable behavior in my class.

Thanks,
Ms. Reed

how could i forget...

to tell you about my first day of school? It went something like this:

5:00 am: Wake up. Do not go back to sleep, because, even though it's still dark outside, it is in fact time to get up. And will be for the next nine months.

6:30 am: Admire my cute new first-day-of-school outfit one more time before heading out the door.

7:00 am: Arrive at school. Run off copies of my syllabus and organize myself for the day. Run into the bathroom at least 3 times because I'm so nervous.

8:05 am: My first class starts. Marvel at how well my "when the door is shut, so is your mouth" line worked. (James taught me that one.) Realize that I actually have my students attention and they're looking to me for instructions. Stay calm.

8:10 am: Blow up a bottle that shoots yellow foam all over the classroom. Remind myself not to wear my favorite outfits on lab days. Somehow tie the scientific method into this explosion.

8:20 am: Catch a plate on fire. Convince my students that this is exactly what's supposed to happen, because good teaching is really just pretending you're in control and know exactly what's going on.

1:00 pm: Teach my first physics class. Realize that I love freshmen mainly because they're too scared to do anything but listen to me and answer my questions. Assign them homework on the first day, because I know they'll all do it and turn it in on time, and this may be the only time this happens all year.

2:00 pm: Tell Danny that no, I do not actually want to call him Big D. But thanks for the suggestion. I think I'll stick with Danny.

3:15 pm: Officially end my first day as a high school teacher.

3:20 pm: Receive a text message from James wondering how my first day went.

3:21 pm: Begin planning for my second day as a high school teacher.

1:30 am: Go to bed. Start over the next day.

meet my students (just a few of them)

Casey: Yes, Casey, I'm sure the boys all like you. But that's not exactly what I had in mind when I asked you to tell me something about yourself.

Ross: You're my favorite. I'd totally be your friend if I were still in high school. But don't tell anyone.

Chris: No, it's not okay if you sit next to your girlfriend in class. And yes, I see the faces you make during my lectures. And no, it doesn't phase me. Which is probably why we get along so well.

Lissa: I'm pretty sure you're a younger version of me. Way to go.

Alex: Yes, I see your hand up. Waving it around isn't going to make me notice it any more. I'm ignoring it.

Matt: It was great running into you at Chick-Fil-A. Thanks for waving.

yeah, that's right...

me: (in reference to the fact that I live in middle Georgia, it's August, and I'm opening my windows to cool my apartment - aka my air conditioning is broken) I am SO HOT.

James: (in reference to me) Yeah, you are so hot.

This is why we're friends.

The end.

very very scary

Last night, a man came into our school and attacked one of the female faculty members with a knife.

And he climbed in through my classroom window.

All I can say is, I'm glad I had already gone home.

overheard conversation

token I-have-so-much-experience-because-I've-been-out-of-high-school-for-a-whole-3-months-now-and-have-so-much-worldly-knowledge-but-am-so-kind-as-to-impart-said-knowledge-on-my-lowly-high-school-aged-friends teenager: So, I'm going to marry Jeff's wife.

lowly high-school aged friend: Haha.

experienced teenager: No, I'm not kidding. Jeff, like, wants to marry his girlfriend, but he has this wife so he needs to find someone to take his place as her husband. So he's giving her to me. And who better for the job than me?

friend:.....

teenager: Yeah. And did you know that I'm a legend at my school? I'm, like, by far the fastest cross-country runner they've ever had. So, yeah. I'm, like, a legend.

You have GOT to be kidding me. But no. No, he's not kidding me. He is, in fact, very serious about such matters. Because, you know, he's not in high school anymore and therefore has a Really. Important. Life.

Dear parents of my students,

You know that parking spot you sometimes like to park in? You know, the one in the faculty parking lot? The one with a big number 34 written on it? Yes, that one. There's a reason that number is there. Because it's mine. You know, the lady who educates your children? Don't try to deny it. I know it's you parking in my spot. It couldn't possibly be one of my colleagues. You know why? Because that car costs more than most of us will make in the next two years. Yes, that's why. So please be so kind as to move so I can park instead of driving in circles waiting for you to come back. Thanks. You're the greatest.

Sincerely,

Ms. Reed

ps - your kids are pretty great.

back to school

It turns out that you learn lots of things as a teacher, too. Like how four-inch heels get really uncomfortable if you're standing in front of a class all day. And how going to bed at 1:30 and waking up at 5:00 every single morning with no break during the day gets tiring and spending any amount of time with the one friend I've made means I'll probably only be getting 2 hours of sleep instead of my usual 4.

I have also learned the fine art of pretending I'm tough and totally know what's going on. And by seventh period, I have perfected that art. And that freshmen (at least for the first week of school) have not yet developed the I'm too good for this just tell me what I'm going to need to know for the test attitude that the upperclassmen all seem to have, making them absolutely delightful to teach. I love freshmen.

And my job is pretty fun. Just so you know.

some book reviews

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: D I couldn't finish it. BO-ring. The point of the book seemed to be to let us know how brilliant the author thought himself to be and explain why he's the only person who really understands anything. Get real.

A Separate Peace: A Beautifully written. It will keep your attention and Knowles does a fantastic job of portraying the thoughts and emotions of the main character. Read it.

Dandelion Wine: A- A book portraying the changes taking place one summer in a young boy's life. While its purpose is accomplished well, and the writing is great, the story can be disjointed at times.

A Tale of Two Cities A Brilliant story, very well written. However, if you don't like descriptive authors, this may not be for you.

Patron Saint of Liars B- While the book kept my attention and I enjoy Patchett's writing style, the storyline bothered me. I was never able to relate or even sympathize with the main character, and therefore felt very detached from the book instead of absorbed in it.

it's official

I have friends here.

Yay!

so, yesterday

as I was learning how to enrich my home, family and personal life through the use of good, clean website, a woman, one I had not yet met or even seen, approached me (chased me down):

Lady: Brittany!! It's Brittany isn't it?
me: Yes. Have I met you?
Lady: No. But I noticed you don't have a ring on your finger.
me: Yeah. So did I.
Lady: So you're not married.
me: No.
Lady: Or engaged?
me: No.
Lady: I have a son.
me: Okay...
Lady: He's 26. And very nice. And cute. Come here. Let's go around the corner. I don't want anyone to see me doing this....
me: Doing what?
Lady: Just come here.
me: Okay...
Lady: (pulling a packet of pictures out of her wallet) Well, here he is. I told you he was cute.
me: Oh.
Lady: I'm going to tell him you're single.
me: um...
Lady: Okay. See ya!
me: Alrighty. It's been fun.

day two

Even better than the first.

The morning consisted of consuming an unhealthy amount of donuts and only half listening to the biohazard lecture because Chad and I were passing notes. I then received numerous teaching tips, including the infamous "never smile before Christmas" (pretty sure I'll break that rule), after which Theresa suggested I practice making stern faces in the mirror at home because she's concerned I'm incapable of looking mean. She's probably right.

At lunch, I made the mistake of sitting with the religion faculty, and therefore lost a greuling game of Name That Saint. They did, however, invite me to have dinner with them tomorrow night, probably because they're concerned for my lack of saintly knowledge. I was then mocked by my male colleagues for thinking that "it's on sale" is a good reason to buy something.

I spent my afternoon hiding in my classroom talking to Ashleigh instead of working on lesson plans like I should have been. We then went to a brief meeting during which they strongly encouraged us to find conferences to attend (at the school's expense, of course.) I spent the remainder of the afternoon researching conferences in Hawaii.

i think i love my job

Yes, I'm pretty sure I do. Some of my co-workers include:

Theresa: She's one of my favorites already, mainly because she wants to set me up with a British soccer coach who lives in my complex. I think I can handle that.

Robyn: NOTE TO ROBYN: EASE UP ON THE CAFFEINE. You scare me. And when I said nobody intimidates me, I was lying to get on your good side. But thanks for giving me the outline for your syllabus. SUCKER!

Ashleigh: The new athletic trainer. Very nice, very southern. Can't understand a word she says. But I think I'm already developing a southern accent just from spending 3 hours with her.

Chad: Cute. Nice. Smart. Loves to read. We can be friends.

Kari: The school's perkiest teacher. By far. I'm loving her.

Lee: NOTE TO LEE: Take a deep breath and sit down. You're teaching sixth graders. And just because Katy said she wanted us to introduce ourselves and tell how we got here does not mean anybody cares where you went to middle school. Or how old you were when your family moved down south. Or about the summer jobs you had during college.

Mr. Librarian: Can't remember his name, but he's dull. And now I know that if I have a problem of any kind, the library is not the place to go for help.

Me: Delightful. Charming. Everyone's favorite teacher. Does a bang-up job of pretending she knows what she's doing. Has everyone fooled.

This is going to be fun.

here's a good story

Once upon a time, people thought I was smart.
Now it's up for debate.
The end.

ps - I cannot be the only person who didn't know that "buggy" means shopping cart and not an Amish car. Or who couldn't figure out how to get out of the furniture store. Seriously.

note to neighbor:

When your live-in girlfriend is mad at you and has packed up her car and is sobbing in the driver's seat, forcing me to pretend to clean out my car so I can find out what's going on, yelling at her is probably not the best way to get her to come back inside.

Oh, wait. Never mind. It worked.

But you're a jerk.

Jerk.

JERK!!

i found my first georgia friend today

I don't know his name, though. That's because we haven't met yet. But that's okay, because we will, and when we do, we will be friends. He lives in my complex, and is hot hot hot. So of course we'll be friends. I'm sure we'll have something in common, and if not, I'll make something up.

Sure, I can like motorcycles.

Or Mariocart.

Or NASCAR.

No, wait. Maybe not NASCAR. I think I'll have to draw the line there.

This is going to be fun!

hi, mom!!

You're pretty sneaky, huh??

But I'm sneakier.

Love,
Poodle

ps - Thanks for the money. And my life. You're a star.